16th October 2014: Sydney Australia
Today is the perfect portrayal depicting the winding journey of Cancer whilst also questioning whether this journal actually captures my true feelings. It feels like the changes occurring in a day need to be tracked in the morning, at lunch, and now nearing time for rest. For instance, I woke up so nauseated that all I thought about was contacting my doctor for some advice and recommendations on putting an end to this ongoing feeling of illness. Images of me at the time would show a broken man lying horizontally in the sun, having lost the ability to verbally communicate. Then later, doubling my cortisol (artificially needed due to the chemo blocking its production) seemed to have a positive effect with me able to make breakfast, go for a surf, ride my bike and enjoy a lunch. Now, I am back to feeling that my face is ageing by the minute due to the scorn now seemingly a permanent feature on my face.
Some notes were jotted during the peak in energy levels. In reality though, those points seem so decent, and the ongoing churning, aches and overall flatness further make the activity of writing so positive appear so fake. I have thought about my journaling, and a negativity underlies the majority of my entries. I preach the positive life, however, only use this journal as a platform to moan and whine about varying circumstances. I am curious of the results should I make an effort to only write about aspects deemed positive and then measure the correlation if any with my actual feelings. Could it be a case that speaking so negatively within this domain then allows a negativity to manifest in my life?
I feel this hypothesis needs to be tested and also links to the matter of accountability. Therefore, over the coming week, only positive factors will be discussed or mentioned, and an evaluation of my feelings will be completed. I am intrigued by the findings and inclined to review all my past entires. So, for the next week it will all be joy and sunshine 🙂