Like Gollum I am drawn to something…

9th December 2014: Sydney, Australia

I will persist with this theme till I rid my body of this cold/flu. An emergence of a deflated mood and associated thoughts has surfaced. Perspective is most definitely needed on my circumstances, and I refuse to spiral down the depths of my thought process for such normal occurrences. Instead, the matter was just needing to be mentioned, adding my clear intentions to move on. The question posed though is how do I just describe my feelings and move on? Instantly, I seem drawn to negative aspects that seems apparent within my thinking, similar to the insatiable desire Gollum has to once again obtain the ring. My limited knowledge of The Lord of the Rings needs to be raised, and admittedly the comparison may not have truly represented the lack of motivation and negative overall outlook on life seemingly evident within my thinking. The incapacity to exercise, complete yoga or surf appears to be an antecedent to a certain chain of thoughts, however, interestingly, the process of writing, albeit brief has already relived some of the destructive patterns circulating throughout my mind.

The relevance of exercise in my life most definitely stems from the narrative created about the need to progress and evolve in every-way possible. Again, focus is on the physical aspects of my life, yet, it stretches far wider. For example, the lack of motivation to either write a journal entry or commence preparation for the imminent meeting at Sydney University for my group proposal shows I am not completely dedicated to progressing in all areas of my life. In addition, if we were to look at my social connections you would see a detachment from those around me, and finally, the renewed focus on meditation has again limited with it difficult to obtain a state within my body and mind allowing me to direct attention. I feel a counter argument is to follow, and in essence the basis of the argument relates to how a cold/flu effects other people. It would not be inaccurate to suggest similar changes would be noticed when others are not feeling the best. Although, I recognise this, I am still unable to separate myself from the need and importance I place on trying to excel in my life. Whether this is actually being implemented or not is obviously debatable, and external feedback would only be the real way of quantifying this neurotic and maybe delusion view on my life. I wonder what degree of neuroticism would actually exist in my life if I did seek this external feedback.

Can this journal actually intensify my symptoms?

16th October 2014: Sydney Australia

Today is the perfect portrayal depicting the winding journey of Cancer whilst also questioning whether this journal actually captures my true feelings. It feels like the changes occurring in a day need to be tracked in the morning, at lunch, and now nearing time for rest. For instance, I woke up so nauseated that all I thought about was contacting my doctor for some advice and recommendations on putting an end to this ongoing feeling of illness. Images of me at the time would show a broken man lying horizontally in the sun, having lost the ability to verbally communicate. Then later, doubling my cortisol (artificially needed due to the chemo blocking its production) seemed to have a positive effect with me able to make breakfast, go for a surf, ride my bike and enjoy a lunch. Now, I am back to feeling that my face is ageing by the minute due to the scorn now seemingly a permanent feature on my face.

Some notes were jotted during the peak in energy levels. In reality though, those points seem so decent, and the ongoing churning, aches and overall flatness further make the activity of writing so positive appear so fake. I have thought about my journaling, and a negativity underlies the majority of my entries. I preach the positive life, however, only use this journal as a platform to moan and whine about varying circumstances. I am curious of the results should I make an effort to only write about aspects deemed positive and then measure the correlation if any with my actual feelings. Could it be a case that speaking so negatively within this domain then allows a negativity to manifest in my life?

I feel this hypothesis needs to be tested and also links to the matter of accountability. Therefore, over the coming week, only positive factors will be discussed or mentioned, and an evaluation of my feelings will be completed. I am intrigued by the findings and inclined to review all my past entires. So, for the next week it will all be joy and sunshine 🙂