1st July 2015: Sydney, Australia

I have commenced watching motivational clips virtually everyday, and it seems to have helped make positive shifts when comparing my mindset at present to how I was functioning prior to my previous surgery. Currently, I feel an overwhelming sense of finality, as this being the final stage of the process. I can completely understand how absurd it sounds, especially upon hearing the Cancer has also appeared on my lungs, however, my belief in my longterm health and wellness is not comparable to anytime in my past. There are many areas to contribute where these positive feelings derive from, and at the top end of my list would be the range of motivational videos being watched on a daily basis. The positive feelings and lasting thoughts anchored into my consciousness are the very reason for deciding to dedicate an entire wall in my room to motivational quotes and pictures. I am currently in the process of collating images and will show updates throughout the stages of development.

Positive vs Negative

27th November 2014: Sydney, Australia

If talking truly about my attitude and outlook, I would say I am positive, however, the journal may not be a true reflection of this as often it seems I am negative in my thinking. I believe the fragility existing in my life what shines through in my writing. If true, I wonder if this then correlates with my communication with those close to me?

Can this journal actually intensify my symptoms?

16th October 2014: Sydney Australia

Today is the perfect portrayal depicting the winding journey of Cancer whilst also questioning whether this journal actually captures my true feelings. It feels like the changes occurring in a day need to be tracked in the morning, at lunch, and now nearing time for rest. For instance, I woke up so nauseated that all I thought about was contacting my doctor for some advice and recommendations on putting an end to this ongoing feeling of illness. Images of me at the time would show a broken man lying horizontally in the sun, having lost the ability to verbally communicate. Then later, doubling my cortisol (artificially needed due to the chemo blocking its production) seemed to have a positive effect with me able to make breakfast, go for a surf, ride my bike and enjoy a lunch. Now, I am back to feeling that my face is ageing by the minute due to the scorn now seemingly a permanent feature on my face.

Some notes were jotted during the peak in energy levels. In reality though, those points seem so decent, and the ongoing churning, aches and overall flatness further make the activity of writing so positive appear so fake. I have thought about my journaling, and a negativity underlies the majority of my entries. I preach the positive life, however, only use this journal as a platform to moan and whine about varying circumstances. I am curious of the results should I make an effort to only write about aspects deemed positive and then measure the correlation if any with my actual feelings. Could it be a case that speaking so negatively within this domain then allows a negativity to manifest in my life?

I feel this hypothesis needs to be tested and also links to the matter of accountability. Therefore, over the coming week, only positive factors will be discussed or mentioned, and an evaluation of my feelings will be completed. I am intrigued by the findings and inclined to review all my past entires. So, for the next week it will all be joy and sunshine 🙂

Has Cancer become your life?

4th September 2014: London, United Kingdom

In response to the email exchange, my chemotherapy increased today. An immediate measurement on the impact it had is difficult to define. It should be noted, I am aware the chemotherapy I receive differs greatly to others, and I can only empathise with those going for rounds of chemotherapy whereby the body is literally attacked, leaving the person in a state of ruin. As stated, I do empathise with those individuals and families and praise their strength and am working towards this not featuring within my future story.

In relation to my symptoms, I did have my usual afternoon crash, feeing very tired with my muscles and body both rigid whilst my mind was ticking over. The question is whether the relatively small increase in medication lead to these feelings or it is a matter of my mind telling me to expect feeling tired. One of the main messages needing to be established is the need to have an understanding of your thinking. The message is the very essence encompassing my outlook to Cancer, and is actually not solely applicable to Cancer but all aspects of life. It is not by any means a new idea, however, it is pivotal to my story thus far, and seems to be necessary to reinforce as it will hopefully will provide ideas to others about working their way around the seemingly unshifting boulder that has been placed in their middle of their road.

When discussing the matter of having an understanding of your thinking, it is ultimately due to feelings held about Cancer becoming your life. Well, it has become my life. I’m not in fear, and you certainly won’t hear me stating ‘why me’ nor will you see me searching and hoping for a cure. I must note at this time, this is my specific story and I know others won’t share the same view about their own Cancer and the Cancer ravaging their loved one’s, however, I am encouraging all to tap into their mind, using it to reshape their view and understanding of Cancer. In some cases, it is a heart breaking event causing the loss of life. For others, myself included, it strangely becomes liberating. For example, what are the first words you associate with the word Cancer? Just to share, the word that comes to my mind is life. Life, a total appreciation for it, a newly found learning curve, a challenging of beliefs, all of which is accompanied by a fresh perception of everything deemed to be health promoting or a contributor to undesired, insignificant and a detrimental stressor to my body.

How does this all link to my mind and the reshaping of a perception built about Cancer? Well, after the initial shock of hearing, and in my case seeing the news (look on doctors face, spoke volumes abut the seriousness of the circumstances without a word uttered), I was placing the illness, treatment and recovery all in a position whereby I would be ok, and would get through it. I did not know what it would entail and in a sense was naive, however, I did not get anchored into negative patters about death, worry and dying. Was I scared? Am I scared? Of course. In response, I am finding a place for it within my life, and I am achieving this by better using my thinking and linking this with my growing understanding of how the body works. All of this, has been sought from various readings, and is guiding me to my destined life of health and wellness. I think the idea of being positive needs to be connected to this point because I’m sure these words, deriving from a good place, need more explanation. Are we just to be positive about everything? Is being positive about everything normal, especially when faced with the prospect of dying? Of course not, as humans we experience a range of emotions, and to say ‘be positive’ in a sense dismisses what you are experiencing. It is not at all intentional and it partly arises from the discomfort some of us can feel when faced with such events, however, it is to be expected and is normal to not feel positive about everything. My advice would be to allow yourself to experience the emotions involved with your circumstances, however, be resourceful in equipping your mind with information and tools essential to intervening at the point your thinking becomes destructive. There is no magical set point for all of us, it is the preparation completed in advance to truly know yourself. I have a belief that my mind and body will be in the best position possible to protect me should an attack be launched again. Over the many readings, there are many points that have stayed with me, one of which is about the complexities of the mechanisms involved in you reading this. Take a moment to think about whether you are controlling your heat beating, your digestive system at work or the cells regenerating within your body. It is simple. No you’re not! The body is an amazing, resilient and evolved design, built to serve you. Therefore, it is in your power to further your learning about what you can do to know yourself and remain healthy.