30th October 2014: Sydney Australia
I have been lost for words over the past two days, with the mental blockage seeming to have occurred again today. I can pinpoint the reasoning for this lack of motivation, and solely derives from a thought about the current imbalance present in my life.
In most areas I feel fantastic, being able to adhere with my plans for movement for the week, not having periods of nausea, and able to construct future planning regarding what I wish to be doing over the coming year. At first sight, all appears to be going well, there is of course the fact of no current income, however, this isn’t a major priority at the moment resulting from the limited weekly outgoings. So really, it is another positive point right? What is the missing link? One word, relationships.
It is now three days of enduring an old style country standoff with my girlfriend, and through the process of writing have been able to identify some of the moods had over the past few days as stemming from this. A standoff doesn’t sound like the best approach to regaining a balance in my life, actually talking would seem like an easy way to rectify this, however, something relatively small has now entered a phase where a stubbornness is stopping me from putting myself out there, or is the matter rather larger than I can face, and cowardly the larger issue has been unravelling throughout the past few days in disguise? There’s no link direct link to cancer. Rather a secondary connection to the Cancer experience, an area I imagine is difficult for many in a relationship, particularly for our case as we are living on opposite sides of the world. All I know is that is has left me angry, deflated, at a complete loss from not seeing her smile, and all the feelings have been intensified by a loneliness resulting from my parents taking a holiday. Yes, a 30 year old man who is feeling somewhat alone resulting from his parents going away for the weekend. Compare this to travelling alone around the world during my twenties. What a catch I’ve turned out to be!