The beast…

13th October 2014: Sydney, Australia

Nausea! I would prefer to use a profanity to describe my current feelings and would probably summarise the circumstances better. Instead, I’ll try give an accurate portrayal of what I am experiencing, and would think it’s likely to be a short entry in the hope of drifting off to sleep before the intensity increases. The nausea I get is nocturnal. A cyclonic beast, appearing past the bed time of children to cause terror on my mind and body. Tonight, it just so happened that a disgust for any food tagged along for the journey. The option of passing on food crossed my mind, however, where does that get me? Hungry in the morning whilst also not providing my body with sufficient nutrients to fuel my system. No thanks! Therefore, I opted to force each forkful of food down my mouth, almost gagging on two occasions. Also, I usually imitate a game of statues whilst lying in bed. The place once a sanctuary is now a torture chamber where any movement is restricted to deter a churning in my stomach.

To be fair, most days I am allowed to rise in the morning feeling ok, and I guess you need to be grateful for the little things in life right? Ironically, I did have an enjoyable day till the nausea kicked in. I managed a return to the park to complete exercise, made progress with my writing and completed a full yoga session. I would like to continue, but the beast is signalling it’s time for lights out. Some breathing and meditation will take place, hopefully alleviating some of the discomfort associated with the overt attacks of this cunning foe.

Is Cancer the definition of selfishness?

12th October 2014: Sydney, Australia

Sunshine! The bliss associated with the sun and days like today are to be treasured. My feelings may be influenced by the feelings first experienced when waking up in the morning. Immediately, I was aware a return to planned levels of movement would occur, obviously making me pleased the symptoms had passed. I understand a lot of attention is placed on movement and physical exercise, and I will state in confidence the recommencing of my daily routine will greatly lift my mood and overall well-being.

A day like today reminds me of how the sun can act like a person who successfully gets everyone out together to celebrate in the spirits of the community. Well, it certainly did for me. So many positive interactions with friends were had today, including one of those interesting and meaningful conversations with a friend and his wife whereby the very fabrics of life were shared and discussed. A conversation making me revisit the importance of thinking about those people in the inner circle of your life. A conversation leaving you happy, even though at times the topics shared weren’t particularly pleasant or easy content to discuss. The conversation also was a platform to pass on some of my ideas, obtaining some initial feedback and acting as a motivation to press on with my accountability in relation to my personal projects. The contrasts of life were also evident, and a sense of guilt is currently felt. Firstly, I wasn’t on the best of terms with my girlfriend due to an online argument carried over from yesterday, and the atmosphere at home has suffered a blow due to the vehicle of my dad being stolen two nights ago. So in reality, I am talking about a happiness when two of the people I love are suffering. It seems like such a selfish outlook on life whereby the strong negative emotions experienced by others doesn’t really influence my day. My feelings cant be justified at all. Of course I am upset for my dad and dislike not being on the best of terms with my girlfriend, however, the only question I am pondering is whether Cancer has made me so selfish that my search for happiness comes at the expense of not being attentive and supportive to others around me?

I would describe Cancer as extremely self-indulgent, extensive reference to the need for people playing a supportive role only strengthens this concept. Also, constantly, the importance of having people around me has been mentioned, however, within all of this, have I become so blinded by my own stressors that support to others around me is not reciprocal?

– How would you define the relationships had with those in your inner circle?
– What comes to mind when thinking about a reciprocal friendship or relationship and how the rules that govern the relationship have been effected by Cancer?

Self-development vs complacency

11th October 2014: Sydney, Australia

I have been considering the appointment had with my doctor last week. In relation to preparing for each appointment, I am unable to shift my thinking from the discrepancy existing between the recommended timeframes regarding my treatment. The doctors from the UK are saying an absolute minimum of five years, however, my doctor in Australia initially stated it will be two years, and now is saying a two year period is a sufficient time for it to be reviewed. A greater level of belief is felt in the direction outlined by my Australian doctor. The matter is solely due to his frankness about the limited knowledge about treating this rare from of cancer and the very real possibility that we are actually poisoning my body with this treatment. Thus, a review of my quality of life on the medication compared to the risks of stopping the medication is necessary. Attention is required on not locking myself into a mindset of possible timeframes, and to note, it is an extremely difficult task. The reasoning is that regardless of the timeframe, lifelong sustainable changes are required to maintain overall health and wellness. Personally, I believe my journey has a long and eventful future story. Therefore, all the modifications to my lifestyle need to be thought through via a sustainable lens. In addition, I need to enjoy the changes rather than see them as a hindrance to living a quality life.

In relation to my statement about the importance of lifelong sustainable changes being made in my life, I do acknowledge this attitude may shift as time passes, especially with the biological, technological, social and environmental changes that are bound to encompass me. Furthermore, when the tests remain clear, a decreased level of risk of reoccurrence is sure to be reality. The question to be posed relates to whether my behaviour and thinking needs to revert back to past patterns or can it further develop from the foundations created throughout this phase of my life? The matter of complacency seems so relevant. It is inevitable that my life, and the life of everyone in this world will evolve. It appears an open circular system of input, processing and action is the driving force of this personal evolution. The point made is that everyone changes to some degree. On a more specific note with relevance to the matter of changes resulting from my Cancer, the description of the circular system attempts to help people understand that the influences surrounding them hugely impacts their thinking and behaviours. It would appear a fairly blatant concept, and to really portray it’s meaning, the changes can be linked with anything in life whereby goals have been set then not followed through. Numerous factors will be the reasoning for us not achieving all our goals or dreams, however, avoiding complacency whilst maintaining motivation is crucial to furthering self-development. Therefore, a return to the circular system highlights the value in a continuation towards immersing myself with positive, stimulating and exciting aspects in life. Ultimately, the result will be an expansion of the already existing foundations that Cancer has helped shape rather than allowing complacency to creep back into everyday routines.