Can this journal actually intensify my symptoms?

16th October 2014: Sydney Australia

Today is the perfect portrayal depicting the winding journey of Cancer whilst also questioning whether this journal actually captures my true feelings. It feels like the changes occurring in a day need to be tracked in the morning, at lunch, and now nearing time for rest. For instance, I woke up so nauseated that all I thought about was contacting my doctor for some advice and recommendations on putting an end to this ongoing feeling of illness. Images of me at the time would show a broken man lying horizontally in the sun, having lost the ability to verbally communicate. Then later, doubling my cortisol (artificially needed due to the chemo blocking its production) seemed to have a positive effect with me able to make breakfast, go for a surf, ride my bike and enjoy a lunch. Now, I am back to feeling that my face is ageing by the minute due to the scorn now seemingly a permanent feature on my face.

Some notes were jotted during the peak in energy levels. In reality though, those points seem so decent, and the ongoing churning, aches and overall flatness further make the activity of writing so positive appear so fake. I have thought about my journaling, and a negativity underlies the majority of my entries. I preach the positive life, however, only use this journal as a platform to moan and whine about varying circumstances. I am curious of the results should I make an effort to only write about aspects deemed positive and then measure the correlation if any with my actual feelings. Could it be a case that speaking so negatively within this domain then allows a negativity to manifest in my life?

I feel this hypothesis needs to be tested and also links to the matter of accountability. Therefore, over the coming week, only positive factors will be discussed or mentioned, and an evaluation of my feelings will be completed. I am intrigued by the findings and inclined to review all my past entires. So, for the next week it will all be joy and sunshine 🙂

Accountability

15th 2014: Sydney Australia

Accountability had been an area addressed in previous entries, and is seen as key to remaining focused on executing whatever tasks are planned. Obviously the fact of having no manager or coach to oversee my progress, results in a dependency on my own motivation and drive. The very existence of these daily entries are a source of keeping me accountable, leading me to follow through with points covered. One example was the the idea of having a two day fast/cleanse, and currently the idea is yet to progress from a pre-planning stage. Therefore, I am setting myself a deadline of having the fast/cleanse completed by next Friday.

It will be interesting to track the two day period whilst also highlighting the usefulness in completing the journal as a source of keeping me accountable over the coming week. In regards to accountability, I am still going to seek the support of a friend or past colleague to keep track of my progress in some areas of my life, namely the group programme I wish to run, however, in terms of personal goals, the process of journalling can prove to be a very effective method of ensuring I follow through with ideas worthy of pursuing. In addition, it is such an individualised tool for expressing myself without a filter of others influencing my headspace.

I mentioned the idea was in what I consider a pre-planning stage. Therefore, the task ahead is to take the steps necessary in making preparations to follow through with the idea. Firstly, I need to decide on the method for conducting the two day fast/cleanse. Next step will be to ensure my family are notified of my plans to obtain their support, especially when the evident changes are noted, i.e. not eating breakfast or joining dinner at the table of an evening. Finally, a creation of a weekly routine is necessary to arrange exercise for days outside of the period plus the avoidance of any other events/tasks requiring more effort than required.

I have no idea whether I will complete the fast, and consideration needs to be directed to the purpose and benefits of such a task, especially bearing in mind the recent bouts of nausea experienced. Regardless of whether I complete the fast, I will be able to comment on the matter from an informed position. An area of importance, particularly should my plans to support the journey of others with their Cancer experience come to fruition.