The questioning of everything in life

18th May 2015: Sydney, Australia

The timing of the upcoming MRI will greatly appease some of the minor concerns experienced over the past few days in relation to the ongoing symptoms of a cold. Admittedly, I am always trying able to normalise these times, however, the certainty obtained from the MRI results will certainly relieve some of the chatter occasionally floating into my consciousness about how well I actually am.

The overall effect of the last few days has left me in a position whereby a sense of equilibrium is missing from my life. Consequently, everything is questioned, leading me to both drift into a dreamlike state creating future scenarios whilst also feeling a sense of loss that has resulted from the Cancer experience. The end result is an inclination to feel a little low. I am aware there are going to be times like this, however, I would like to see myself more capable at deploying learned strategies to stay present.

Talking about Cancer….

28th November 2014: Sydney, Australia

I went bed nauseous last night and this morning have woken up with a slight pain in the right hand chest/ribcage of body. Instantly, thoughts of worry, quickly associated with memories of past experiences come to mind. If allowed, I am sure my mind could shift into overdrive, creating destructive future scenarios about my death. Yes, massively negative, and a reason for not allowing it to manifest. The problem I seem to encounter is questions about whether the pain results from the yoga completed yesterday, my positioning throughout sleep or if it something more worrying. The conundrum now placed in is what do I do with these thoughts? Do I share with my family, girlfriend or mates, only to raise unnecessary alarm should it just be muscular pain or just contact my doctor about the situation? Well, I know I am seeing him next week, and the most probable outcome will be an agreement for it to be checked next week. Mind you, no MRI is being completed as I would have liked, bearing in mind the recommendations for scans to be completed every three months. Hopefully, one is scheduled for January, this will be a point I stress. I thought this morning about whether I will have these concerns for the remainder of my life, a life I am hoping and working towards being both long and fruitful.

Cancer and rigidity

16th November 2014: Sydney, Australia

The topic of rigidity is interesting. Often, I make comments about living a fairly rigid life, and in some ways it seems it is used to justify certain decisions made. From an outside perspective, a degree of rigidity in my life would seem like an essential component, should focus solely be placed on the expected prognosis for people who had the Cancer I had. I firmly don’t believe I will fall into this category, hence the limited space given to this subject matter in previous entries, however, I am curious as to whether a positive or negative correlation exists between placing greater emphasis on the expected prognosis for the many others in my situation.

Firstly, greater emphasis could help a motivation to remain rigid on the chosen lifestyle. On the other hand, it could also act as a self-fulfilling prophecy, maintaining a narrative of worry, and consequently write the very script for the possibility of death to be an awaiting future prospect. Alternatively, a view I feel a lot of people may have is that both points above is garbage, and regardless of whether the narrative I create for myself is about life and positivity or death and fear, ultimately it has little influence on whether the Cancer decides to rears it’s mutating and repulsive figure again!

Only time will provide answers for how much attention I place on rigidity in the future, and if the words ‘searching for explanations but simply feel unwell’ were a fleeting thought or an actual reflection of my views about the belief I have in the power of the created narrative that will keep me well, even if it involves unexamined side-effects.