28th April 2015: Sydney, Australia
The avoidance of writing about my ever fluctuating mental states seems necessary. My reasoning derives back to an earlier entry relating to an acceptance of my circumstances, and true acceptance entails an absolute submission to experiencing both the highs and lows associated with Cancer. Inevitably, down days are going to occur, and the process of documenting these days only seems to imprint a negative impact on my overall well-being. At times, a feeling of becoming stuck within a hole of despair is the predominant thought embedded within my subconscious, and consequently, my consciousness then allows these thoughts to sift into my everyday feelings and future outlook. It is somewhat paradoxical to refrain from writing about these times, however, it is a decision made to encourage a true acceptance of my circumstances whilst making a more conscious attempt at furthering my growth.
28th November 2014: Sydney, Australia
I went bed nauseous last night and this morning have woken up with a slight pain in the right hand chest/ribcage of body. Instantly, thoughts of worry, quickly associated with memories of past experiences come to mind. If allowed, I am sure my mind could shift into overdrive, creating destructive future scenarios about my death. Yes, massively negative, and a reason for not allowing it to manifest. The problem I seem to encounter is questions about whether the pain results from the yoga completed yesterday, my positioning throughout sleep or if it something more worrying. The conundrum now placed in is what do I do with these thoughts? Do I share with my family, girlfriend or mates, only to raise unnecessary alarm should it just be muscular pain or just contact my doctor about the situation? Well, I know I am seeing him next week, and the most probable outcome will be an agreement for it to be checked next week. Mind you, no MRI is being completed as I would have liked, bearing in mind the recommendations for scans to be completed every three months. Hopefully, one is scheduled for January, this will be a point I stress. I thought this morning about whether I will have these concerns for the remainder of my life, a life I am hoping and working towards being both long and fruitful.