We all want a timeframe, the question is though.. Are they actually harmful?

17th July 2015: Westmeed Hospital, Sydney, Australia

I believe I will now finally adhere to never focusing on timeframes in terms of my recovery. It was a point heard very early in my Cancer experience, and continually I have failed to apply the term within my life. Consequently, low periods surfaced when a timeframe was not met, and as a result it felt like the foundation of my belief system slightly crumbled with each disappointment. Numerous examples in regards to the topic of timeframes can be drawn upon, and recently, my time in hospital has reinforced the need to not think of timeframes.

I was meant to leave hospital on Saturday with all three procedures complete. I was then informed the departure date would be two days ago plus an additional admission was required, and now I won’t be out till Tuesday (at earliest). Although it is a small matter, it is another example of delays and possible disappointment. I was literally five minutes away from having the needed procedure that was the reason for keeping me here till Tuesday, and I was just informed the surgical team did not read the notes provided by the Endocrine team regarding the levels of Cortisol essential for the procedure. So, now it has been delayed till the appropriate levels are administered intravenously. Obviously, major differences exist between a slight delay and other more important areas in my life. Plus, I am possibly overreacting, however, it has again made me consider the very poignant point first exposed to at the beginning of my Cancer experience.

Belief: The essential point to survival

7th May 2015: Sydney, Australia

The approaching time away in Indonesia will see a change of climate, with daily temperatures approximately 30 degrees. A point, definitely eliciting a feeling of happiness when considering I will miss most most of the winter here in Sydney. Interestingly, it seems my infatuation with the need for more sunshine stemmed from the fairly lengthy spell in the UK, and it it possibly intensified by reading about the benefits of receiving a regular dose of natural Vitamin D. In addition, the fact of me currently not working results in having more time to pay attention to the environment around me. Therefore, noticeable difference in aspects of the environment, including the amount of sunshine are observed.

Another factor associated with not currently working relates to the current pace of time, and although I am happy, content and attempting to cherish the present. I would lying if I didn’t feel excitement about the prospect of heading to Indonesia, coming off my medication or commence working again. Always whilst on the topic of timeframes, a specific reference comes to mind. It was made by a holocaust survivor whom stated that his life today resulted from a belief of being ok, however, never allowing hope in regards to certain timeframes of a release to be the focus of his thoughts. The person in discussion saw others firmly focused on being released at certain times, and consequently became further deflated and even lead to death upon discovering their time in Auschwitz would not come to their desired end date. Interestingly, the words will remain with me forever, yet, I am unable to implement the advice into my own life.

Why is my writing so saturated in negativity?

29th January 2014: Sydney Australia

From the very beginning of this entry, an underlying theme of positivity should be splattered for all to see. The reasoning stems from the confirmation received reinforcing the belief already held about my health and well-being. In addition, I was advised my doctor could not see my overall prognosis in a situation better than my current presentation, especially when a year ago I was sitting in the very same seat with any number of negative outcomes very probable. Therefore, one would expect an overwhelming sense of relief to be almost bleeding from the entry. Instead, I write with a scorn and grimace plastered across my face.

Firstly, I had a very poor start to the morning resulting from a terrible night sleep. Secondly, the weather has been awful, another driving factor wanting me to get out of here once the temperature drops on a permanent basis. Thirdly, an argument over messages was had with my girlfriend. An event I must add is seemingly occurring too frequently, and finally, I am currently writing with my knee resting in an elevated position wrapped in ice. Above any of the previously mentioned, the latter point is the root cause of the horrid mood pulsating throughout my body. I am hoping nothing serious has occurred, and do believe I am placing over emphasis on the matter, however, the reality of the an outcome should I have damaged my knee is currently unbearable. Tears almost started draining from my eyes as I was washing around the water after my knee gave way whilst riding a wave this morning. A massive crack caused alarm bells to ring in my mind, and immediately, I became worried. I started repeating positive affirmations to settle my thoughts, and once arrived on the shore was able to do complete some simple exercises so am simply using the ice as a precaution. I did have a battle in my mind for a moment about fitting in some yoga, however, reason prevailed, and I will be resting for the day. In all honesty, I am tempted to take some pain medication to just switch off from everything for a while, however, my mind has returned to the topic previously discussed about isolation versus solitude, and in this case it would be a clear example of isolating myself. Therefore, reason has once more prevailed, and I am able to identify the thinking pattern is destructive, leading me stay away from self medicating and instead opt to read, complete some meditation and sleep naturally.

Will I be one of the 30% who survive?

1st October 2014: Sydney, Australia
The flu symptoms are still continuing to have a firm grip on my mind and body. I can only describe it as what I imagine a forceful wrestling movement deployed by trained military personnel would feel like when being dragged into submission. My body is immobilised, throat gagged, mind numbed and aching from head to toe. Yes, a massive over-exaggeration, and simply just the common symptoms felt when struck by a cold. It is testing my will though, particularly as a churning in my stomach and a whisper of the fear lingers in my consciousness. The fear derives from thoughts about the likeness of the current bodily sensations compared to the period leading up to being placed in what I deem a modern age Bedlam.

Modern age Bedlam! Details won’t be disclosed about the location of the hospital nor will criticism follow, yet, the sharing of a ward with five other men, two of which who had dementia are just the beginnings of a picture built to portray the surroundings of the hospital I was first admitted to after last experiencing a sore throat, bodily aches and fatigue. It should be mentioned that a stabbing sharp pain in my stomach also was factoring into the decision to be hospitalised, and I recognise this is not present, however, an uncontrolled mind can entertain the possibility of certain signs holding much greater significance then just a cold or flu.

The certainty believed in knowing it is just the flu is an underlying feature of my Sunflower framework, particularly the focus on a clear and directed mindset. The question to be posed though would entail the degree of hypocrisy attached to only knowing I am ok when the MRI scheduled for next week produces these results. Is that not a contradiction to having a certainty built in my mindset? I had a feeling of invincibility when approaching my last scan, with a certainty of my body not under any attack, however, the flu and shoulder problems have both placed me in a position whereby I am looking forward to the MRI next week. A positive result will enable me in the future to have the knowledge to normalise certain circumstances whilst reinforcing the positive belief held that I will fall into the 30% of people who survive the type of Cancer previously inside me.