What am I seeking?

16th January 2015: Sydney

An overwhelming sense of searching for something has surfaced within my thinking. The answer of what I am actually seeking is unknown, a point obviously explicit in the previous statement. The root cause has been questioned, leading me to wonder what it is that seems to be biting at me, and whether the foundations for this chain of thoughts were created from my last entry.

I question the reasoning because in all areas of my life I am happy and it has been a while since experiencing any side effects from the Chemotherapy. So really, there should be no need for Athis thinking. Alternatively, it is the exact time for when my mind kicks into such a state of seeking something else! It has been almost two weeks with my girlfriend and we have been enjoying a fantastic time together, the sun is shining, there have been waves, time has been spent with family and friends, and I have been enjoying good health. Therefore, the points would suggest I would simply be content. Instead, circulating thoughts are experienced in regards to a seeking of something else. Interestingly, the thoughts coming to mind are better waves, warmer water and a calmer surrounding environment. The thoughts are typical of feeling not completely satisfied in a circumstance I have previously envisioned of being placed within? In summary, it seems comparisons are evident with the previous entry, however, I have doubts about whether an isolated hut is the solution or if there is a solution at all? If this is the case, then surely it is a personality trait, demonstrating the need to curtail and refine my thought process. I have my girlfriend here, it’s been amazing and we were chilling at the beach! So the question I pose entails a response about where the thirst for more derive from or better yet, how can these thoughts be abolished?

Don’t search, just accept..

15th November 2014: Sydney Australia

Recently I scribed the words, ‘searching for explanations but simply feel unwell’. The phrase derived from unsuccessful attempts made at reviewing my food and movement journals to discover the reasons for feeing unwell. The phrase is fairly explicit, indicating my learning that there are no underlying hidden reasons for the bouts of nausea. Instead, side-effects associated with Mitotane are going to be endured. Undoubtedly, some behaviours or actions will increase the likelihood of side-effects, and the tracking of food and movement is still seen as important to maintaining a degree of wellness felt, however, acceptance of the side-effects need to be the focal point of my thinking.