Cancer and rigidity

16th November 2014: Sydney, Australia

The topic of rigidity is interesting. Often, I make comments about living a fairly rigid life, and in some ways it seems it is used to justify certain decisions made. From an outside perspective, a degree of rigidity in my life would seem like an essential component, should focus solely be placed on the expected prognosis for people who had the Cancer I had. I firmly don’t believe I will fall into this category, hence the limited space given to this subject matter in previous entries, however, I am curious as to whether a positive or negative correlation exists between placing greater emphasis on the expected prognosis for the many others in my situation.

Firstly, greater emphasis could help a motivation to remain rigid on the chosen lifestyle. On the other hand, it could also act as a self-fulfilling prophecy, maintaining a narrative of worry, and consequently write the very script for the possibility of death to be an awaiting future prospect. Alternatively, a view I feel a lot of people may have is that both points above is garbage, and regardless of whether the narrative I create for myself is about life and positivity or death and fear, ultimately it has little influence on whether the Cancer decides to rears it’s mutating and repulsive figure again!

Only time will provide answers for how much attention I place on rigidity in the future, and if the words ‘searching for explanations but simply feel unwell’ were a fleeting thought or an actual reflection of my views about the belief I have in the power of the created narrative that will keep me well, even if it involves unexamined side-effects.

My mind meanders like a dog on a leash walking in familiar territory

8th November 2014: Sydney Australia

A new addition to my daily routine was mentioned briefly in the last entry prior to the diversion stemming from the rudeness about the staff at the pharmacy. In some ways, maybe the shift from topic was necessary as this very morning, the routine was not integrated into my day.

So, I have been trying to face the day with a period, always aiming for more than a few seconds whereby some gratitude, breathing exercises or affirmations are made. The timing is of essence. Initially, I was able to dedicate more time and concentration to this task, and as the months passed I felt a wondering mind was more often taking centre stage. Some thinking had been directed to this area of my life over the previous weeks, and on some days I was able to enter both a peaceful and alert state rather than a mind meandering like a dog on a leash walking in familiar territory. How was I to combat this? Well, attempting to complete this task in the warmth of bed where I have just had 8 hours of blissful sleep was probably not the idea location. It was decided a change in location was needed plus the task should commence immediately upon waking opposed to allowing a myriad of thoughts to circulate throughout my thinking.

At this point, some background information should have portray the intended message, and it derives from the learning undertaking during a four day spiritual retreat in July. The main point taken form the retreat was a reinforcement of my personal belief in both my mind and body being the force of change and creation, rather than an external greater power. Therefore, bearing this in mind, I felt a level of movement was needed to be incorporated into the daily routine, and consequently the plan was to get out of bed, taking to the yoga mat to hold a certain pose (sleeping baby). Expectedly for the level of my flexibility, it was not possible for my forehead to rest on the floor upon waking up in the morning. Completion of this required a process whereby my thoughts were consciously directed internally to the areas of my body relaxing and stretching to fulfil the intention to reach a peaceful state to commence the day. I found the process of focusing on each part of body unlocking kept me in a conscious state where my mind didn’t wander. In addition, a recognisable difference was noticed from starting to the finishing the exercise. It it highly likely that reference to a measurement is not a factor that should be discussed in this context, however, it assisted in my goal of completing affirmations whilst also symbolising the nature of change, i.e. is gradual, and not an easy process. I am displeased in not continuing the routine, so have considered use of another timeframe to really give myself the opportunity to gauge my capacity at introducing the task into my daily routine.