19th April 2015: Sydney, Australia
The tide is yet to turn, and I am still stuck in a position of curiosity, wondering about the reason for the longevity of this illness. Stupidly, one of the underlying factors driving this unshifting state of mind is the inability to complete my exercises or surf. Fortunately, common sense prevailed this morning when an idea of heading to exercise came to mind. I guess a thought of “fuck it, what else can happen” flicked through my mind, and luckily my senses prevented me from pursuing the idea. The initial thought process reflects the degree of loss again experienced in my life. I acknowledge touching upon the area within my writing, however, it has not really been explored in depth. Admittedly, I am not in a position to give such details, however, a taste of how loss can be experienced was demonstrated whilst going for a brief walk today. As noted, my sense prevailed in stopping me from exercising, however, the idea of surrounding myself with nature whilst integrating some gentle movement into my life appeared a possible avenue to help alleviate some of the mixed emotions felt. Consequently, the total opposite effect was had. The walk only seemed to elicit a feeling of loss. It didn’t matter where I looked, almost every observation resulted in a wish for my normal life, the life lived two years ago to recommence. Honestly, the list could be endless, I could have viewed a guy spread out relaxing in the sun, someone about to surf, a couple, a young family or just a group of young people hanging about. To conclude, I am simply done with these feelings.
29th November 2014: Sydney, Australia
The decision to rest yesterday has proved beneficial with all pain associated with my chest region passing, consequently, leading to a complete reduction in worry and concern. The decision to rest is not always easy as I’m continually focusing on improving my strength and willpower. I must note, my acknowledgment of both factors not being specific to physical capabilities, however, the lasting effect of the surgery has placed me into a position whereby I wish to surpass all previous levels of health and well-being, inclusive of my physical strength. The tracking of all my daily movement is greatly supporting my ability to schedule rest into the week, and I feel the shoulder injury sustained prior to leaving London definitely acts as a reinforcement to ensure rest features within my week. Therefore, it would be extremely naive to overlook the frequency of days within the week when I fail to rest.
The feelings today were enhanced by other positive news in regards to the Sunflower Framework. There is no certainty of the framework progressing from an ongoing piece of work stored in my inbox, however, both a representative from Sydney University and Chris O’Reily’s Lifehouse have contacted me with out the outlook of further discussing the idea. It is rather encouraging, especially when recently my focus surrounded all the barriers involved in making the idea a reality. I am hopeful there will be some momentum over the coming weeks/months, but, am very realistic about the challenges ahead and the difficult to be faced. The contact with both parties has provided the necessary motivation to continue working towards producing a finalised quality product. I could simply say it will just be a case of wait and see, however, that would already in some way symbolise a mediocre outlook to the whole project, and an acceptance of the project not progressing at all. In summary, it leads me back to the need of being focused whilst eliciting a sense of accountability. The project will not advance without my drive, hardwork, and importantly the essential support from my close friends and family. I also need to recognise the input of Dr Lawrence Tahm and Marcus Pearce from a podcast called ‘The Champions Mind’ in really helping my mind-state get in a position required to write this journal, work on the project and take the steps necessary towards making the idea into a success.