27th December 2014: Sydney
Christmas is behind us till next year. An overview would show a fabulous time was had with lots of laughs by the entire family with a playfulness between my dad and two brothers reminiscing my early adolescence. The two days are clear examples of the obscurity in my thinking, namely, due to emphasis in my thinking about what was missing over the period compared to previous years whilst also being able to state the additions enjoyed. Consequently, the mixture of feelings demonstrate how simultaneously I am placed in a position of joy whilst also feeling a degree of loss or difference.
Various examples could be drawn upon throughout the Christmas period to further explain this thought process, however, attention to the broad term term of lifestyle will provide a platform for discussion. The aspects associated with lifestyle include alcohol consumption, energy levels and participation in family activity. Topics not dissimilar to content covered in previous entries. In some ways, a really pleasant feeling was experienced upon waking up without the effects of alcohol being present. The same could be said of the ease I felt at just enjoying the company of my family whilst not having the need to share a drink with any of my family members. In contrast, a level connection seems to emerge from the social context whereby alcohol is enjoyed with others. Therefore, it was hard not to notice the difference that occurred in my social interactions, eliciting a sense of loss or disengagement from the environment so familiar to me.
The main point from all these thoughts is when, or better yet will I ever again live out my past days, and if the time comes when I am not on chemotherapy nor feeling fatigued, will I return to my past behaviours or will have the shifts become permanent that no longer any loss is experienced?
25th November 2014: Sydney, Australia
Two close friends have seen separate entires since starting to write approximately three months ago. One such friend has repeatedly expressed his curiosity about the reason for not revisiting the past entries written. I know the curiosity is coming from a good place, possibly attempting to challenge me in a way that will lead to growth, however, I remain reluctant to act upon this indirect and subtle challenge. The very reasoning behind my actions would be the stark reality of how often the entries are saturated in negativity, and from the opening passage, one can imagine the theme to follow. If this hypothesis is correct, I wonder what impact it will have by being reminded of how often I can actually be down about my circumstances? Undoubtedly, to be in some ways classified as ‘suffering’ would be expected right? Or is my vision and experiences completely different to others? Do people truly live the life I attempt to act in front of others, taking the experience as a positive, without having down days? I am not indicating I deliberately pretend to act a certain way in front of others, more I choose my moments when I will spend time others, i.e, when feeling good. At other times, I will isolate myself, in both a physical and digital sense, i.e. limited contact with friends on phone and social media sites.
Maybe I am being too critical of myself, and the very nature of the journal is to write about all the range of factors causing me to be in such a negative mind-state? Actually a more accurate account would be to not make reference to a hypothetical array of factors, it simply comes down to a feeling of sickness that overtakes me, sending me spiralling into a gloomy mood. A mood with a tidal motion, gently sneaking upon me as the day passes, and on some days, I wake up with the feelings of uncertainty about when the tide will turn, sliding me back to normality. Surprisingly, the very process of writing, even though it may seem there isn’t a great deal of information contained within these passages, still seems to be able alleviate some of the feelings experienced only 40 minutes before writing? It feels so strange, it is like I need to pour out all this internal garbage into a space where no response is received before I am even able to smile. Over the course of writing the music will shift, the headache seems to fade away and my thoughts redirect from a blurred existence of time watching to constructively thinking about what awaits in the day ahead. It is actually ridiculous how significant the shift is!