1st July 2015: Sydney, Australia
I have commenced watching motivational clips virtually everyday, and it seems to have helped make positive shifts when comparing my mindset at present to how I was functioning prior to my previous surgery. Currently, I feel an overwhelming sense of finality, as this being the final stage of the process. I can completely understand how absurd it sounds, especially upon hearing the Cancer has also appeared on my lungs, however, my belief in my longterm health and wellness is not comparable to anytime in my past. There are many areas to contribute where these positive feelings derive from, and at the top end of my list would be the range of motivational videos being watched on a daily basis. The positive feelings and lasting thoughts anchored into my consciousness are the very reason for deciding to dedicate an entire wall in my room to motivational quotes and pictures. I am currently in the process of collating images and will show updates throughout the stages of development.
30th June 2015: Sydney, Australia
I have found the following quote extremely useful in helping find a place for my actions and behaviours over the weekend. I must also add, it makes me also appreciate this exact moment, and not be burdened by perceived past failings or potential future fears.
The quote was made by Damien Echols, a member of infamous ‘The Memphis Three’. Echols stated, “The thing I like most about time is that it’s not real. It’s all in the head. Sure, it’s a useful trick if you wanna meet someone at a specific place in the universe to have tea or coffee. But that’s all it is, a trick. There’s no such thing as the past, it exists only in the memory. There’s no such thing as the future, it exists only in our imagination. If our watches were truly accurate the only thing they would ever say is now”.
4th June 2015: Bali, Indonesia
I am wanting to write a brief entry to remind me at later times of the complete stillness held within my current thought process. I contribute the obtainment of the present state of mind to the idea of compartmentalising certain thoughts in my life to particular periods in the day. Obviously, the main chain of thoughts causing potential damaging chatter to intrude my consciousness derives from the fear gripping me. The process of compartmentalising thoughts allows me to feel the fear whilst blocking it from taking over my life. Consequently, I then can remain focused on the hope and belief in being-well, and it appears the strategy of directing attention to health and life is more effective than directing all my thinking towards Cancer. My situation may fluctuate, and I need to accept this, however, hopefully this short entry can trigger some of the memories and emotions associated with this period whilst acting as a reminder of how peaceful life can be.
31st March 2015: Sydney, Austrlia
Yesterday, I lowered my dose of Cortisol back to 70mg. I would be lying if reference was not made to thoughts relating to drop in Cortisol correlating with a return of feeling nauseous. To my relief, no form of nausea was experienced, and I actually had a peaceful sleep for the first night in many weeks. I am unqualified to suggest a link exists between the slight increase of Cortisol and difficulty with sleep, however, the patterns experienced would suggest the increase had an impact on my sleep. On the basis of this hypothesis, I am hopeful the period of time in Indonesia whereby an increased dosage will be required to maintain my immune system does not lead to difficulties with my sleeping, however, importantly, I need to be mindful of not dwelling on this matter approaching the time or it would be virtually inevitable for difficulty with my sleep to surface.
The booking has been made to Indonesia, and a combination of time with friends mixed with a month on my own is planned. It is inevitable to meet other people whilst there, however, my thinking leading into the time will be to concentrate mostly on time spent alone, balancing my time between surfing, yoga, reading and meditation. In addition, it is hoped the local area will be explored, attempting to gain some understanding of the life of people from the local area. Initially, there was a level of concern about the lengthy period on my own, however, it seems this is all apart of the process, and the combination of time with spent alone with periods with close friends seems perfect 😄