Social media, life and love….

16th November 2015: Sydney, Australia

I will say it straight out. We all know the importance of connection with others, particularly as we are deemed to be social beings, however, does anyone else wonder about the difference on our wellbeing compared between being single and having a healthy, supportive and loving intimate other in our lives? I have breached this topic in the past, and have since taken on board the comments from others, but wish to reach the topic again, particularly observing the life lived by many in this modern day world. A life driven by deadlines, social media notifications and distractions.

I do not wish to be misinterpreted on the matter, and in no way advocate for people settling or remaining unhappy in harmful relationships. In addition, am not naive in thinking some people can simply be happier when single, however, is the focus on always seeking something better restricting our heart from experience true love? If so, are we then not able to reach optimal health and wellbeing? Alternatively, is this entry just me taking a moment to spill my feelings all over my screen whilst I type away????

The power of love

15th September 2015: Sydney, Australia

I have just seen off my mum at the hospital, and honestly more tears have been shed over the past two days in comparison to the entirety of my experience with Cancer. The feelings attached to the circumstances unfolding for my mum highlight the point covered yesterday regarding the impact Cancer (or any illness/disability) can have on the loved ones of an individual.

Ironically, the experience with my mum has provided a renewed thirst for life. I can understand the absurdity in the above statement, so an explanation will be detailed. Firstly, I must say a level of guilt is felt surrounding the predicament my mum now faces, and I see this stemming from the stressors I am responsible for. The stressors started during my teen years with a range of adolescent behaviours, however, the climax was approximately 20 months ago when I informed my parents I had a tumour growing inside of me. From the point of that initial phone call, I know my mum has constantly worried about me. It is this worry and concern that gives me drive. Of course I am upset, and will continue to shed more tears over the coming weeks, however, I am determined to make her happy in the future whilst supporting her get to a place whereby she sees me living a fulfilling life with a loving and beautiful family of my own. Yes, again the hopeless romantic in me is on display, and in conclusion, I believe the power of love is needed to replace the cloud of worry and concern strangling my family at present.

Interpretations of my mind

10th September 2015: Sydney, Australia

I have been thinking about the mental imaginary associated when having a scan. In the past, an identification with Wolverine would have been present whereby the testing was a process to discover the powers of behind my longevity. Now, it appears my thoughts correlating to my so called powers have been replaced with an imagination centred upon a future swimming underwater adjacent to my fictional beautiful wife. When in the midst of the thoughts, I am really capable of exploring my imagination, and thoughts are evoked of my wife resembling a mermaid who elegantly wades through the water whilst her luscious hair leaves a stream of bubbles in her wake. For some reason she is always swimming in front of me, meaning it is incapable of seeing her. Consequently, my sight is firmly focused on her swimming ahead of me whilst embedded in majestical blue surroundings.

I am not sure what meaning is attached to the change, and would be intrigued by the interpretation of others. Personally, I see the change reflecting an evolution of my future life.

Is love the missing piece of a complex puzzle?

22nd August 2015: Sydney, Australia

The quote below leads me to wonder whether a truly happy and healthy life can be obtained whilst single. What do others think?

“Dating is fun and a necessary time of play and exploration. But once we have found the one love and said ‘yes’ to this love, we enter a common reality, the naked truth of who we are in ordinary life, with the potential of deep personal growth in this connection”.

Is love the answer?

15th June 2015: Bali, Indonesia

A complete reversal from the previous day was experienced upon rising. I instinctively knew from the very moment of opening my eyes that a happy and enjoyable was approaching. Admittedly, the dancing undertaken in the bathroom after leaving my bed further reinforced this belief. It is interesting how the entry is the polar opposite to the last time I opted to write.

It is now 7pm, and the morning feeling has thus far provided accurate. In summary, a really fun time in the water was had in the morning, some delicious lunch, a sleep, and have just returned from competing yoga down on the forefront of the beach as the sun drifted off behind the ocean. To close, I must say it extremely hard to describe how I can feel such happiness, considering everything happening around me. The question begging me relates to the power of love, namely, whether outcomes may differ for some people experiencing hardship should sustained, accepted and reciprocated true love be present in the lives? Maybe I am a hopeless romantic, and it is likely I am, because I am holding onto as a truth.

Is the answer love, food, meditation, faith or simply a surgical knife…

28th May 2015: Bound for Bali

How strange life is! I have observed people all around me suffering the effects of a virus or flu at the moment, and only four days ago, I would have placed myself in the same category. Now, the knowledge of having a Cancerous tumour growing inside of me seems to reinforce a separation between me and others. I actually had a dream comparable to a scene out of the film Inception where layers of dreams existed. Unfortunately, the dream did not have the ending desired, and my current predicament is the reasoning for this entry. Exact details are not recalled, however, I know the situation was much worse in deeper layers before I surfaced through many layers to wake up. The very first conscious thought was one of relief, knowing it was just a dream, then, the awareness followed that I was no longer dreaming, and in fact I have Cancer.

I have been attempting to discover the reasoning for the re-emergence. Was it the protein had recently, the occasional inclusion of spelt bread or products containing gluten? Alternatively, could it be something much greater, and involve a lack of love and intimacy in my life? I imagine the search and questioning could forever be endless. Thus, I need to change my focus to one of acceptance, and then devise a way of approaching the times ahead. It sounds absolutely unrealistic, but I have been saying affirmations to myself, asking for a miracle to occur whereby the next scan shows the tumour has disappeared. That very example is a reflection of the desperation felt, and in no way shows a position of acceptance. A more plausible way of thinking about the future is considering the amount of healthy cells in my body compared to the narcissistic entity currently residing in my body. My ideal situation would be to call to arms the vast array of healthy soldiers to fight this one expanding tumour, however, the question remains of how I can manage to achieve this outcome. Love, food, movement, meditation, laughter or simply a matter of a surgical knife cutting it out for ever.

Cancer and relationships

30th October 2014: Sydney Australia

I have been lost for words over the past two days, with the mental blockage seeming to have occurred again today. I can pinpoint the reasoning for this lack of motivation, and solely derives from a thought about the current imbalance present in my life.

In most areas I feel fantastic, being able to adhere with my plans for movement for the week, not having periods of nausea, and able to construct future planning regarding what I wish to be doing over the coming year. At first sight, all appears to be going well, there is of course the fact of no current income, however, this isn’t a major priority at the moment resulting from the limited weekly outgoings. So really, it is another positive point right? What is the missing link? One word, relationships.

It is now three days of enduring an old style country standoff with my girlfriend, and through the process of writing have been able to identify some of the moods had over the past few days as stemming from this. A standoff doesn’t sound like the best approach to regaining a balance in my life, actually talking would seem like an easy way to rectify this, however, something relatively small has now entered a phase where a stubbornness is stopping me from putting myself out there, or is the matter rather larger than I can face, and cowardly the larger issue has been unravelling throughout the past few days in disguise? There’s no link direct link to cancer. Rather a secondary connection to the Cancer experience, an area I imagine is difficult for many in a relationship, particularly for our case as we are living on opposite sides of the world. All I know is that is has left me angry, deflated, at a complete loss from not seeing her smile, and all the feelings have been intensified by a loneliness resulting from my parents taking a holiday. Yes, a 30 year old man who is feeling somewhat alone resulting from his parents going away for the weekend. Compare this to travelling alone around the world during my twenties. What a catch I’ve turned out to be!