7th May 2015: Sydney, Australia
The approaching time away in Indonesia will see a change of climate, with daily temperatures approximately 30 degrees. A point, definitely eliciting a feeling of happiness when considering I will miss most most of the winter here in Sydney. Interestingly, it seems my infatuation with the need for more sunshine stemmed from the fairly lengthy spell in the UK, and it it possibly intensified by reading about the benefits of receiving a regular dose of natural Vitamin D. In addition, the fact of me currently not working results in having more time to pay attention to the environment around me. Therefore, noticeable difference in aspects of the environment, including the amount of sunshine are observed.
Another factor associated with not currently working relates to the current pace of time, and although I am happy, content and attempting to cherish the present. I would lying if I didn’t feel excitement about the prospect of heading to Indonesia, coming off my medication or commence working again. Always whilst on the topic of timeframes, a specific reference comes to mind. It was made by a holocaust survivor whom stated that his life today resulted from a belief of being ok, however, never allowing hope in regards to certain timeframes of a release to be the focus of his thoughts. The person in discussion saw others firmly focused on being released at certain times, and consequently became further deflated and even lead to death upon discovering their time in Auschwitz would not come to their desired end date. Interestingly, the words will remain with me forever, yet, I am unable to implement the advice into my own life.
6th April 2015: Avoca Beach, Central Coast of New South Wales
Easter is a time of the year whereby I catch up with family, and has recently become a time for future options to be discussed. Particular periods on the calendar make comparisons of my circumstances from last year to now more defined. On reflection, it was interesting to relive some of the memories about my condition last year. For example, my weight, skin colour & intricacies of the surgery are some memorable examples of the discussion. Admittedly, the discussion elicits no negative emotion at all. Rather, the recollections only reinforces the progress I feel has been made thus far, and provides motivation to allow further progress to be made.
Naturally, conversation also shifts to future options, and again, a confidence is felt in expressing my thoughts and emotions. At present my plans are fairly brief. I will be going to Indonesia, hope to implement the designed programme later this year, and a return to work will occur next year. I understand the statement seems arrogant whilst also contradicting previous comments about setting timeframes upon myself, however, currently my chain of thought is firmly fixed on total recovery, and I have self-belief the points will come to fruition.
16th November 2014: Sydney, Australia
The topic of rigidity is interesting. Often, I make comments about living a fairly rigid life, and in some ways it seems it is used to justify certain decisions made. From an outside perspective, a degree of rigidity in my life would seem like an essential component, should focus solely be placed on the expected prognosis for people who had the Cancer I had. I firmly don’t believe I will fall into this category, hence the limited space given to this subject matter in previous entries, however, I am curious as to whether a positive or negative correlation exists between placing greater emphasis on the expected prognosis for the many others in my situation.
Firstly, greater emphasis could help a motivation to remain rigid on the chosen lifestyle. On the other hand, it could also act as a self-fulfilling prophecy, maintaining a narrative of worry, and consequently write the very script for the possibility of death to be an awaiting future prospect. Alternatively, a view I feel a lot of people may have is that both points above is garbage, and regardless of whether the narrative I create for myself is about life and positivity or death and fear, ultimately it has little influence on whether the Cancer decides to rears it’s mutating and repulsive figure again!
Only time will provide answers for how much attention I place on rigidity in the future, and if the words ‘searching for explanations but simply feel unwell’ were a fleeting thought or an actual reflection of my views about the belief I have in the power of the created narrative that will keep me well, even if it involves unexamined side-effects.