It is strange to consider a week has passed without a post added, especially considering the attention placed on writing throughout the past 18 months. I have definitely had a lot on my mind, and typically have used this platform to share my thoughts, however, it appears I have come to the position of seeing my writing as directly correlating with the need to seek support from others I connect with online. As noted, it has been extremely helpful, particularly in processing past feelings, fears and emotions, but I now feel changes are needed in my life. Consequently, meaning a change in my writing may be needed to facilitate this change. Yes, I will continue to write, however, hopefully a different focus will be evident. A focus, not saturated in despair and the questioning of every little detail of life. Rather, a more balanced blog that will lead to an evolution in my actual life 😄
I just reviewed my entry from yesterday, finding little to currently resonate with in my current state of mind. It makes me think how strange it is to witness my feelings fluctuate from one day to the next. Undoubtedly, the very condition of human nature is to be dynamic, responding in accordance to our surrounding environment, and the changing state of mind is not specific for the Cancer population (if I can label it as such). The feelings of all is bound to fluctuate depending on varying events and stressors in their lives, however, my personal experience makes me inclined to think people with Cancer or other mental and or chronic health concerns would feel the swings more frequently and intensely. The direct influence of fearing actual death is the key factor behind my reasoning. Admittedly, there are times like today whereby I am feeling positive and in a generally normal mind-state, however, as seen yesterday, an inherent fear is yet to be conquered.
I have been considering the events from last night, and can clearly identify how a few pivotal moments determine my future actions when in a social situation. The picture posted yesterday gives an indication of the celebration unfolding around me, and I am pleased to be able to associate positive feelings with the night, particularly in relation to the decisions made at specific stages. Most notably, those moments whereby the direction of the night can transform my night into a place I do not wish to be. Hopefully, the night can be used in future situations to assist me in continually making better choices in my life. Failure to learn from those moments will only lead me in a direction away from how I wish to be living my life.
I am currently sitting in the hospital, awaiting my name to be called for surgery. The scenery around me is dire. It is almost like all the people are at a waiting bay of death. In defence of the hospital, I can understand why the environment has such a mood, with a great deal of worry, concern and grief experienced by all in the room. The question I am thinking is how shifts could be made to the mood within the room? Immediately, solutions come to mind. How about:
– Brighter colours to elicit feelings that differ to the depressing wall facing me.
– A change from the sterile display of the room.
– Some cheerfulness or at least some degree of interest shown on the faces of the employees.
– Information about what to expect. Now, I am not asking for a compete layout, however, surely more information would assist then just signing a piece of paper then taking a seat in the deaths docks!
Lastly, I must acknowledge my feelings contribute greatly to being here, and it simply stems from a belief that I should not be here. I deeply feel that I do not belong is such an environment. Instead, I should be continuing my progression and strength towards a life of happiness and love that awaits.
What if everyday could be Gatorade Day! For those who haven’t already caught on, I am posing the question of whether it is possible for us to live a life whereby feelings are elicited on a daily basis similar to those experienced by team members or coaches after winning a tournament. Imagine it! The daily feeling of pure ecstasy, satisfaction, achievement, with an overwhelming need to celebrate and embrace those around you. Maybe I am being naive thinking this is only a false unobtainable concept, and really many people are consistently rejoicing in their own Gatorade Day.
Whilst hypothesising the idea of Gatorade Day, I must highlight one of the flaws needing to be addressed. Namely, the imbalance between winners and losers. If you can picture a scene involving a coach being provided with a Gatorade shower by his team, then you surely must have also noticed the losing team who are not sharing in the happiness. Therefore, if this whole activity is simply fictitious rambling, it only seems probable to also have the power to change the dynamics of the day, particularly to establish a scenario where no-one will be weeping on the ground devastated while bearing witness to their opponents basking in their achievement. The internal quarrel becomes whether in fact I would intervene in the organic battle between winners and losers? If so, could I not be actually tearing apart the fabrics to success, and ultimately, having a detrimental impact on the so called losers or people who failed? My reasoning stems from a thought of some people, myself definitely included who at times may need to fail at least once before claiming victory.
It would be be interesting to hear whether people are living their Gatorade Day or any other thoughts associated with the entry 😄
A complete reversal from the previous day was experienced upon rising. I instinctively knew from the very moment of opening my eyes that a happy and enjoyable was approaching. Admittedly, the dancing undertaken in the bathroom after leaving my bed further reinforced this belief. It is interesting how the entry is the polar opposite to the last time I opted to write.
It is now 7pm, and the morning feeling has thus far provided accurate. In summary, a really fun time in the water was had in the morning, some delicious lunch, a sleep, and have just returned from competing yoga down on the forefront of the beach as the sun drifted off behind the ocean. To close, I must say it extremely hard to describe how I can feel such happiness, considering everything happening around me. The question begging me relates to the power of love, namely, whether outcomes may differ for some people experiencing hardship should sustained, accepted and reciprocated true love be present in the lives? Maybe I am a hopeless romantic, and it is likely I am, because I am holding onto as a truth.
A possible flaw has been identified in the framework I designed to help others with Cancer. Initially, my planning was based on the idea of challenging attendees in a similar manner to others in the community who engage in group work, however, recent circumstances in my life brought the matter to surface, namely, the limited emphasis I placed on the possible physical and mental capacity of future participants. On reflection, I feel my intentions reflect the personal strategy created to ensure I faced the duration of time on chemotherapy with a belief of undermining the impact it would have on my life. I acknowledge many would suggest overlooking the impact of treatment for people is negligent, and I must add, of course consideration was made to such a blatant point, however, I feel sufficient attention was not directed to the area.
The events leading to a shift in my thinking again derive from the level movement in my life, and most likely links to memories elicited from viewing past photos. In summary, I have developed a tailored plan in regards to the level of movement that will feature on a weekly basis. My reasoning for tailoring the plan as such results from a knowledge of avoiding physically over exerting myself whilst recognising the great importance needed on recovery time to combat levels of fatigue experienced. The fact my programme is much less intense compared to one in place should I not be receiving treatment is a clear example of the need to also design the framework accordingly. I do recognise the main focus on movement in my life, and some may argue this may not be a suitable example when making comparisons with mental fatigue. In response, I would advise those people give equal weight to mental and physical fatigue, and my reasoning derives from previous study undertaken over the past year whereby I realised that regardless of whether it is physical, mental or even emotional fatigue, the end result is the same. It is for this very reason, I will explore avenues to decrease the load on future people who hopefully partake in my programme.