11th June 2015: Bali, Indonesia
I hate when people tell me everything will be ok.
I hate when people just don’t listen
I hate to think of the worry I have caused my family.
I hate having to decide who to tell my story with.
I hate even having to think about what my story is.
I hate to think I am writing this.
I hate that I hate.
18th May 2015: Sydney, Australia
The timing of the upcoming MRI will greatly appease some of the minor concerns experienced over the past few days in relation to the ongoing symptoms of a cold. Admittedly, I am always trying able to normalise these times, however, the certainty obtained from the MRI results will certainly relieve some of the chatter occasionally floating into my consciousness about how well I actually am.
The overall effect of the last few days has left me in a position whereby a sense of equilibrium is missing from my life. Consequently, everything is questioned, leading me to both drift into a dreamlike state creating future scenarios whilst also feeling a sense of loss that has resulted from the Cancer experience. The end result is an inclination to feel a little low. I am aware there are going to be times like this, however, I would like to see myself more capable at deploying learned strategies to stay present.
15th May 2015: Sydney Australia
The rise of obesity within the Western world and the endless nutritional fads promoted within mainstream media are so intriguing. Surely, each factor is the byproduct of the other. For arguments sake, inclusion of movement or physical activity needs to be mentioned. Many facets of this topic arouse my curiosity, most notably, the possible confusion experienced by people resulting from the varying amount of contrasting information relating to what people should eat or how to move. In addition, it is imperative to reference the growth in market size of the broad area of health and wellbeing. A likeminded person would see the connection immediately, of course that is dependent on whether I have been able to accurately convey the intended message.
The point first stuck me whilst listening to a recent podcast, and has since been thought through. Typically, useful information is extracted from the podcast, however, on this occasion, the striking feature was the lack of knowledge the interviewees actually had. Their capacity at quoting health jargon is indisputable, and yes an overwhelming enthusiasm was evident. My quarrel related to how little content they were able to draw upon without referring to their website/blog. The seemingly lack of knowledge lead me to question the truths of the so called health industry, and importantly, I was able to recognise the similarities between the health industry and any other market. Just to note, I applaud people for seeing an opportunity to make a living from their chosen pathway, however, I believe the continual new fads in regards to nutrition and exercise are the cause of confusion for the general public. Ultimately, resulting in personal financial gain for a few people whilst also contributing to the rising rate of obesity and other health concerns for the easily influenced, and at times extremely vulnerable general public.
Obviously, I am unable to influence the market and shift patterns, however, hopefully people can learn to see the importance of seeking reputable sources of knowledge prior to deciding on what strategy they will adopt in their lives to promote their health and well-being.
12th May 2015: Sydney Australia
My Professor and I discussed several points, including all the details surrounding my upcoming trip. The other matter discussed was the expected period of time on the Chemotherapy, and it seems I have become victim to my own beliefs. I have advocated from the very beginning of all this that no timeframes would be established for when my treatment would stop. Admittedly, since hearing I would be on the medication for a whole another year deflated my mood. Yes, it is only a few months more, and seems essential so will be adhering to the planning. It has just made me down, angry and somewhat frustrated. I recognise this chain of thought is unhealthy and needs to change, especially considering the current fantasies running through my mind. I would never follow through with such actions, however, in being honest, I am inclined to numb myself with prescription drugs to fall into a deep sleep like a bear to hibernate till it is all finished. I can see perspective is required, particularly in how fortunate I am in many ways, it just hard to take that on board at times.
4th May 2015: Sydney, Australia
I have come to realise a saying taught many years ago within a professional context is easily transferable to other areas, including your personal development. The intentions of applying the rule ‘failing to plan is planning to fail’ was to highlight the responsibility l had in ensuring thorough groundwork was completed prior to meeting with a family or individual to complete a therapeutic session. As noted, I see benefits of applying the rule into our lives, and my writing, if used effectively can provide the platform to hopefully build success, opposed to failure.
Yesterday was a clear example of my writing acting as the very means to plan ahead in preparation to approach a situation to the best of my capacity. It was actually ironic in some ways to consider I had put together an entry about the very topic on the day before the question was asked. It was not something major, simply a conversation within a social environment relating to my lifestyle choices. On reflection, if I had not taken the time to sit down and write about my thoughts, then the execution of my answer would not have accurately captured my feelings towards the situation. In summary, my writing can be useful when I am able to avoid becoming stuck in a hole of despair, and at such times, many similarities exist with the preparation undertaken for a job interview whereby you have had the time and space to gain clarity in your thoughts before needing to share with others. To conclude, I must acknowledge my fluctuating feelings on the matter, however, overall, a journal would be encouraged for all people experiencing Cancer to ensure any difficult circumstances or encounters can be hopefully prepared for in advance.
1st May 2015: Sydney, Australia
A possible flaw has been identified in the framework I designed to help others with Cancer. Initially, my planning was based on the idea of challenging attendees in a similar manner to others in the community who engage in group work, however, recent circumstances in my life brought the matter to surface, namely, the limited emphasis I placed on the possible physical and mental capacity of future participants. On reflection, I feel my intentions reflect the personal strategy created to ensure I faced the duration of time on chemotherapy with a belief of undermining the impact it would have on my life. I acknowledge many would suggest overlooking the impact of treatment for people is negligent, and I must add, of course consideration was made to such a blatant point, however, I feel sufficient attention was not directed to the area.
The events leading to a shift in my thinking again derive from the level movement in my life, and most likely links to memories elicited from viewing past photos. In summary, I have developed a tailored plan in regards to the level of movement that will feature on a weekly basis. My reasoning for tailoring the plan as such results from a knowledge of avoiding physically over exerting myself whilst recognising the great importance needed on recovery time to combat levels of fatigue experienced. The fact my programme is much less intense compared to one in place should I not be receiving treatment is a clear example of the need to also design the framework accordingly. I do recognise the main focus on movement in my life, and some may argue this may not be a suitable example when making comparisons with mental fatigue. In response, I would advise those people give equal weight to mental and physical fatigue, and my reasoning derives from previous study undertaken over the past year whereby I realised that regardless of whether it is physical, mental or even emotional fatigue, the end result is the same. It is for this very reason, I will explore avenues to decrease the load on future people who hopefully partake in my programme.
16th January 2015: Sydney
An overwhelming sense of searching for something has surfaced within my thinking. The answer of what I am actually seeking is unknown, a point obviously explicit in the previous statement. The root cause has been questioned, leading me to wonder what it is that seems to be biting at me, and whether the foundations for this chain of thoughts were created from my last entry.
I question the reasoning because in all areas of my life I am happy and it has been a while since experiencing any side effects from the Chemotherapy. So really, there should be no need for Athis thinking. Alternatively, it is the exact time for when my mind kicks into such a state of seeking something else! It has been almost two weeks with my girlfriend and we have been enjoying a fantastic time together, the sun is shining, there have been waves, time has been spent with family and friends, and I have been enjoying good health. Therefore, the points would suggest I would simply be content. Instead, circulating thoughts are experienced in regards to a seeking of something else. Interestingly, the thoughts coming to mind are better waves, warmer water and a calmer surrounding environment. The thoughts are typical of feeling not completely satisfied in a circumstance I have previously envisioned of being placed within? In summary, it seems comparisons are evident with the previous entry, however, I have doubts about whether an isolated hut is the solution or if there is a solution at all? If this is the case, then surely it is a personality trait, demonstrating the need to curtail and refine my thought process. I have my girlfriend here, it’s been amazing and we were chilling at the beach! So the question I pose entails a response about where the thirst for more derive from or better yet, how can these thoughts be abolished?
9th December 2014: Sydney, Australia
I will persist with this theme till I rid my body of this cold/flu. An emergence of a deflated mood and associated thoughts has surfaced. Perspective is most definitely needed on my circumstances, and I refuse to spiral down the depths of my thought process for such normal occurrences. Instead, the matter was just needing to be mentioned, adding my clear intentions to move on. The question posed though is how do I just describe my feelings and move on? Instantly, I seem drawn to negative aspects that seems apparent within my thinking, similar to the insatiable desire Gollum has to once again obtain the ring. My limited knowledge of The Lord of the Rings needs to be raised, and admittedly the comparison may not have truly represented the lack of motivation and negative overall outlook on life seemingly evident within my thinking. The incapacity to exercise, complete yoga or surf appears to be an antecedent to a certain chain of thoughts, however, interestingly, the process of writing, albeit brief has already relived some of the destructive patterns circulating throughout my mind.
The relevance of exercise in my life most definitely stems from the narrative created about the need to progress and evolve in every-way possible. Again, focus is on the physical aspects of my life, yet, it stretches far wider. For example, the lack of motivation to either write a journal entry or commence preparation for the imminent meeting at Sydney University for my group proposal shows I am not completely dedicated to progressing in all areas of my life. In addition, if we were to look at my social connections you would see a detachment from those around me, and finally, the renewed focus on meditation has again limited with it difficult to obtain a state within my body and mind allowing me to direct attention. I feel a counter argument is to follow, and in essence the basis of the argument relates to how a cold/flu effects other people. It would not be inaccurate to suggest similar changes would be noticed when others are not feeling the best. Although, I recognise this, I am still unable to separate myself from the need and importance I place on trying to excel in my life. Whether this is actually being implemented or not is obviously debatable, and external feedback would only be the real way of quantifying this neurotic and maybe delusion view on my life. I wonder what degree of neuroticism would actually exist in my life if I did seek this external feedback.