Change

14th November 2015: Sydney, Australia

It is strange to consider a week has passed without a post added, especially considering the attention placed on writing throughout the past 18 months. I have definitely had a lot on my mind, and typically have used this platform to share my thoughts, however, it appears I have come to the position of seeing my writing as directly correlating with the need to seek support from others I connect with online. As noted, it has been extremely helpful, particularly in processing past feelings, fears and emotions, but I now feel changes are needed in my life. Consequently, meaning a change in my writing may be needed to facilitate this change. Yes, I will continue to write, however, hopefully a different focus will be evident. A focus, not saturated in despair and the questioning of every little detail of life. Rather, a more balanced blog that will lead to an evolution in my actual life 😄

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How do you see me?

8th October 2015: Sydney Australia

I like to think my narrative has shifted from the person with Cancer, however, constantly situations surface within my week, reinforcing the presence of this narrative in my life. I wonder when, and if I get to the stage whereby the story just becomes a feature of my past?

Alternatively, could the idea of multiple stories exist simultaneously in my life? A life where the Cancer story will ultimately always exist in the eyes of some people, however, others will see through this label, and share in the story I hold about myself.

Cancer one year later…

7th February 2014: Bonny Hills (New South Wales East Coast)

Interestingly there wasn’t an entry completed yesterday, and the irony within the non-existence relates to the evolving construction of my narrative around my Cancer experience. The context of this statement is embedded in the reality of yesterday being the passing of the first year since my surgery. Some would apply a term, such as ‘my first anniversary’, and admittedly, I would have previously held the same position. Instead, the redaction of an entry reflects the ever evolving construction about my Cancer experience. Most notably, the elimination of any celebratory correlation with the circumstances. Furthermore, there is an evident degree of power embedded within the decision, demonstrating my preference for my own new normality of strength and happiness to override an opposed narrative based upon Cancer. My intentions were to annually celebrate with friends and family, replacing the date of my birthday in preference for the date of surgery.

It seems a disclaimer is needed. Again, no perceptions are directed towards others who may choose to view the situation in a different manner, and celebrate the success of their treatment or removal of the Cancer. I imagine a strong group of support would agree with this stance, particularly for those who see themselves as Cancer survivors or people who overcame a near death experience. In all honesty, a very brief toast was made with a small group of friends last night, however, I refused to allow a sense of power diverge away from my narrative about wellness. All last year, I was thinking of celebrating the 6th rather than my birthday, 14th February, and it wasn’t till I really thought about the power related to such a decision that eventuated in the change of my thinking. Personally, a shift from the celebration of my birth to the celebration of my Cancer experience really maintains annual recognition of the weakness in my body that allowed a mutiny of Cancerous cells to form a tumour the size of a watermelon. In addition, it symbolises no greater meaning of losing the concept of self. It is almost like a complete removal from my entire identity to a person endlessly grateful for being alive. Now, I recognise some contentious territory may have been crossed, however, an explanation will hopefully provide a reasoning for the comments made. I agree a gratefulness for life should exist, however, I suggest it should not be damped by a past scenario giving any acknowledgement to the tumour inside of me. My preference is to simply receive joy in the existence of everyday life. Furthermore, a construction for my identity based on the foundations of a healthy, intelligent, strong and honourable man is much more favourable to a life deriving from a hideous living being that directly caused so much pain for my loved ones. Application of descriptive words evident within the writing give character and a personally to the tumour. It must be noted that this is rooted in a narrative approach adopted to my personal experience whereby the goal is to shift my mindset from a position whereby a mutant grouping of cells is preparing a final attack on both my body and loved ones to a position consisting of me working on continual development throughout my long life ahead.