Tomorrow is not D-Day!

8th July 2015: Sydney, Australia

One more sleep separates my current life to the new normality awaiting me. I feel as prepared as possible for surgery, with my mindset playing a crucial role in maintaining overall homeostasis, however, the surrealism of the entire experience is still difficult to comprehend. Namely, the actual details of the reality awaiting me. I must mention, my predictions entail rising from surgery heavily sedated, with weeks to follow stuck within this incapacitated state, however, ultimately I have no idea of what they may find or whether any complications are associated with th surgery. Admittedly, my intentions were to reference tomorrow as D-Day, however, when thinking about the connotations, I did not see the tittle as fitting to the day ahead. Yes, I will have a procedure, and will be experiencing temporary pain, however, on a permanent basis, I have belief in being stronger in a physical, mental and emotional sense. Therefore, tomorrow is not D-Day. Instead, just another day, and the beginning of my new normal.

Temptations…

2nd May 2014: Sydney, Australia

Temptation to past lifestyle choices is becoming an area requiring attention as time since my surgery passes whilst the side effects associated with my chemotherapy are seemingly decreasing. The actions last night are a perfect foundation to base the discussion on, and could be viewed as a shift away from the intentions established in my entries last year. Initially, I was in the same position, fluctuating between feelings of guilt, fear and regret, however, without justifying my actions, could the negative feelings be solely dependent on seeing myself as unwell or in a position of recovery? If so, it should be noted that I object to seeing myself as unwell or in a state of recovery. I completely accept the need to further develop myself emotionally and physically, however, the mental aspect of a Cancer diagnosis is often deemed one of the primary obstacles associated with overcoming the entire experience. It is for this very reason for reframing the context, and instead, viewing myself bound within a stage of preparation.

Undoubtedly, temptations are going to exist throughout my entire life, and not just in regards to lifestyle choices. Therefore, should I feel a level of guilt for socialising with friends on one occasion over some drinks or do I learn from the situation, finding a place for it in my life? Yes, I need to be mindful of what I put in my body, and how much sleep I have each night, however, attention equally needs to centre on connecting with close friends, and importantly the effects of finally feeling a degree of normality. I am not advocating a permanent change from the areas I deem essential to getting me to this level of health. Rather, placing the events from last night into perspective whilst recognising the benefits of social connection and unrestricted happiness.

To conclude, I believe an example can demonstrate the point above. Take for instance how pivotal the stage of preparation and training is for success, particularly in a sporting context. Now, say a professional sports team successfully applies a play or tactic in a real contest. It would be fairly accurate to hypothesis that more often than not, the play had first been developed in a less intense environment, i.e, a training session. Therefore, I propose similarities exist with our lives, with the underlying message relating to how we can be equipped to face future scenarios in my hopefully long and fruitful life. Of course, I will not make the right decision on every occasion, however, should I learn from the experience, it can still prove beneficial in the longterm. Regardless of whether people agree with what has been stated, reframing the events last night eroded any stress associated with my decision, and consequently, I am left in a positive mindset. I must note, I can definitely see I am trying to justify my actions, and possibly I am, so it would be interesting to hear feedback 😄

Why feeling at home is more comforting as time passes..

20th February 2015: Sydney Australia

An element of ‘being at home’ appears to continually provide a level of comfort and security to my overall well-being and mental state, and I would add, this feeling has most definitely grown over the past year, especially bearing in mind past travel and time spent working overseas. If I were to pinpoint the reasoning for the change, I would simply associate a degree of ease felt when returning home. An ease with a place is fairly vague statement, especially considering the completely relaxed surroundings I was immersed within during the past week. The difference though is the absolute comfort in knowing all, or the majority of my basic human needs can be readily met without any effort. I guess a criticism could easily make reference to a reliance on the support, namely my parents seeming evident, and for a now 31 year man this is surely not desirable. My response is fairly untypical of comments made in the past, and in no way am I playing the victim, however, the reality is I had Cancer and am now routinely feelings the side-effects of Chemotherapy. I must note my recognition for the difficulties others endure, many who experience a higher degree of discomfort or pain, however, the impact the overall experience has had on me is still severe enough to cause evident changes to my seemingly apparent vulnerability.

I believe further unfolding events are certain to follow, even after the conclusion of the treatment. Already, financial, career, interpersonal and personal aspects of my life have been effected, and yes, some of these points can be balanced against gains incorporated into my life, but, in reality I am in my infancy with my experience, and future unknown challenges surrounding the aftermath of treatment are inevitable. In saying that, a level of caution is required to ensure I remain grounded within the norms of life. It needs to be remembered that all people will face future challenges of some degree in their life, regardless of whether they have endured Cancer. Therefore, attention needs to centre on the present moment, and a step towards achieving that would be to recognise I am in the comforts of my home with no stress in any way placed on me. A point seeming more important in my life as time passes on.

Why did I think I was born in Krypton?????

26th November 2014: Sydney, Australia

I went to bed feeling nauseous, and eventually reflected on past feelings, particularly a moment leading up to being placed on Chemotherapy. I recall progress in terms of my physical recovery from the operation was being incorporated into my daily life and I was starting to feel relatively normal again. It was always known that the date for commencing my mediation was approaching. Prior conversations with my doctor had established a timetable for a starting date, before the dosage levels would increase. At the time, I was rather naive, wishing to skip the gradual increments and take on a full dose from the very beginning. The mindset seems to link back to the former self-belief built upon a story of enduring hardship/pain. Since then, this system of belief has been challenged, evolving into a narrative based upon love, an appreciation for life, strength and progress. Overall, it appears interesting to consider my feelings of indestructibility, compared to how fragile now can be.