Social media, life and love….

16th November 2015: Sydney, Australia

I will say it straight out. We all know the importance of connection with others, particularly as we are deemed to be social beings, however, does anyone else wonder about the difference on our wellbeing compared between being single and having a healthy, supportive and loving intimate other in our lives? I have breached this topic in the past, and have since taken on board the comments from others, but wish to reach the topic again, particularly observing the life lived by many in this modern day world. A life driven by deadlines, social media notifications and distractions.

I do not wish to be misinterpreted on the matter, and in no way advocate for people settling or remaining unhappy in harmful relationships. In addition, am not naive in thinking some people can simply be happier when single, however, is the focus on always seeking something better restricting our heart from experience true love? If so, are we then not able to reach optimal health and wellbeing? Alternatively, is this entry just me taking a moment to spill my feelings all over my screen whilst I type away????

Interpretations of my mind

10th September 2015: Sydney, Australia

I have been thinking about the mental imaginary associated when having a scan. In the past, an identification with Wolverine would have been present whereby the testing was a process to discover the powers of behind my longevity. Now, it appears my thoughts correlating to my so called powers have been replaced with an imagination centred upon a future swimming underwater adjacent to my fictional beautiful wife. When in the midst of the thoughts, I am really capable of exploring my imagination, and thoughts are evoked of my wife resembling a mermaid who elegantly wades through the water whilst her luscious hair leaves a stream of bubbles in her wake. For some reason she is always swimming in front of me, meaning it is incapable of seeing her. Consequently, my sight is firmly focused on her swimming ahead of me whilst embedded in majestical blue surroundings.

I am not sure what meaning is attached to the change, and would be intrigued by the interpretation of others. Personally, I see the change reflecting an evolution of my future life.

Is love the missing piece of a complex puzzle?

22nd August 2015: Sydney, Australia

The quote below leads me to wonder whether a truly happy and healthy life can be obtained whilst single. What do others think?

“Dating is fun and a necessary time of play and exploration. But once we have found the one love and said ‘yes’ to this love, we enter a common reality, the naked truth of who we are in ordinary life, with the potential of deep personal growth in this connection”.

An entry from the death docks!

9th July 2015: Sydney, Australia

I am currently sitting in the hospital, awaiting my name to be called for surgery. The scenery around me is dire. It is almost like all the people are at a waiting bay of death. In defence of the hospital, I can understand why the environment has such a mood, with a great deal of worry, concern and grief experienced by all in the room. The question I am thinking is how shifts could be made to the mood within the room? Immediately, solutions come to mind. How about:
– Brighter colours to elicit feelings that differ to the depressing wall facing me.
– A change from the sterile display of the room.
– Some cheerfulness or at least some degree of interest shown on the faces of the employees.
– Information about what to expect. Now, I am not asking for a compete layout, however, surely more information would assist then just signing a piece of paper then taking a seat in the deaths docks!

Lastly, I must acknowledge my feelings contribute greatly to being here, and it simply stems from a belief that I should not be here. I deeply feel that I do not belong is such an environment. Instead, I should be continuing my progression and strength towards a life of happiness and love that awaits.

Showtime is approaching!

27th June 2015: Sydney, Australia

I have the biggest burst of energy flowing throughout my body and mind. It is magical yet so strange to be in such a state, especially upon hearing confirmation that the tumour is Cancerous. Moreover, it appeared the greedy self-indulgent bugger was lonely last time. Therefore, a few friends have decided to provide company, setting up camp on the the bottom of my right lung. In all seriousness though, I really experience a degree guilt to be feeling levels of elation when seeing the absolute horror on the faces of my parents. How can it be like this? It seems so unfair! I just wish to alleviate the stressors for my parents by overcoming the current obstacle to live a life abundant in love, success and happiness. The life I honestly feel is awaiting me!

Is love the answer?

15th June 2015: Bali, Indonesia

A complete reversal from the previous day was experienced upon rising. I instinctively knew from the very moment of opening my eyes that a happy and enjoyable was approaching. Admittedly, the dancing undertaken in the bathroom after leaving my bed further reinforced this belief. It is interesting how the entry is the polar opposite to the last time I opted to write.

It is now 7pm, and the morning feeling has thus far provided accurate. In summary, a really fun time in the water was had in the morning, some delicious lunch, a sleep, and have just returned from competing yoga down on the forefront of the beach as the sun drifted off behind the ocean. To close, I must say it extremely hard to describe how I can feel such happiness, considering everything happening around me. The question begging me relates to the power of love, namely, whether outcomes may differ for some people experiencing hardship should sustained, accepted and reciprocated true love be present in the lives? Maybe I am a hopeless romantic, and it is likely I am, because I am holding onto as a truth.

Is the answer love, food, meditation, faith or simply a surgical knife…

28th May 2015: Bound for Bali

How strange life is! I have observed people all around me suffering the effects of a virus or flu at the moment, and only four days ago, I would have placed myself in the same category. Now, the knowledge of having a Cancerous tumour growing inside of me seems to reinforce a separation between me and others. I actually had a dream comparable to a scene out of the film Inception where layers of dreams existed. Unfortunately, the dream did not have the ending desired, and my current predicament is the reasoning for this entry. Exact details are not recalled, however, I know the situation was much worse in deeper layers before I surfaced through many layers to wake up. The very first conscious thought was one of relief, knowing it was just a dream, then, the awareness followed that I was no longer dreaming, and in fact I have Cancer.

I have been attempting to discover the reasoning for the re-emergence. Was it the protein had recently, the occasional inclusion of spelt bread or products containing gluten? Alternatively, could it be something much greater, and involve a lack of love and intimacy in my life? I imagine the search and questioning could forever be endless. Thus, I need to change my focus to one of acceptance, and then devise a way of approaching the times ahead. It sounds absolutely unrealistic, but I have been saying affirmations to myself, asking for a miracle to occur whereby the next scan shows the tumour has disappeared. That very example is a reflection of the desperation felt, and in no way shows a position of acceptance. A more plausible way of thinking about the future is considering the amount of healthy cells in my body compared to the narcissistic entity currently residing in my body. My ideal situation would be to call to arms the vast array of healthy soldiers to fight this one expanding tumour, however, the question remains of how I can manage to achieve this outcome. Love, food, movement, meditation, laughter or simply a matter of a surgical knife cutting it out for ever.

Am I known as just that Cancer guy?

27th May 2015: Sydney Australia

I still leave for my trip tomorrow, however, it is now a shorted version, and I have hope that my ex-girlfriend will meet me for a week. Till yesterday, it had been a number of months since talking on the phone. Oddly, with everything happening, it felt so normal, elicited such happy emotions, and has intensified a want and need for her to be with me. I am unsure whether it will actually happen, and one of my major concerns is how fair the situation is for her, so will need to wait to see how it unfolds.

The reestablishment of communication had only added to the surreal feelings had in regards to everything happening around me. It was only last week, I was talking about a confidence in knowing the scan was to be ok whilst looking at the prospect of two months away surfing, completing my yoga and continuing my progression. Now, my mind is constantly drifting, knowing I will soon be cut open followed by a round of Radiotherapy. To put it simply, I just want to live a normal life, and not return to this story of me being the Cancer guy.

Ok, we have split! Now let the post-breakup clean out commence…

23rd February 2015: Sydney, Australia

The cleanup of my relationship has commenced. I am fully aware the decision was made only approximately a month ago, so doubts constantly occur whether a cleanup is too premature, particularly when a picture, song or one of the many reminders in my life leads me to a place mixed with nostalgia and a desire for the situation to be varied. It seems I romanticise on all the good times enjoyed together, with no capacity to recall any of the times we argued. Interestingly, it was the very the same incapacity when breaking up with my last girlfriend, who I must add, was the complete opposite, and was able to conjure all kinds of reasons for not being together. Obviously, the right decision was previously made right?

An expansion of the cleanup process is most probably needed. I have not gone to the extremes of burning photos and letters. Rather, making subtle changes so I am no longer getting constant memories triggered by the wide range of methods available. A point seeming more apt in the times of social media. In addition, the modifications to my lifestyle result in me actually needing to confront the stark realities of the situation, and it appears I am constantly deploying a level of restraint to target the range of temptations experienced. Frequently times occur when a message, call or just a look to see how she has been doing can be a dominant thought, and it is the application of mental exercises that have ensured such actions haven’t been followed.

The cleanup process links directly to an acceptance of the situation, and similarities in tactics can be drawn from the learning associated with thoughts relating to the tumour inside of me last year. I could easily fall into a dark headspace with my feelings, however, use of mental exercises, integration of movement into my life and other factors have helped me work to a place whereby I can process the feelings of the breakup whilst applying blockers in place that restrict me from becoming obsessive about the circumstances, and falling completely off track in my life. One final point is how evident the breakup has been in proving to be a distraction from my health concerns. Not by any means the best distraction, however, a clear shift, demonstrating the opportunity for other stories to take priority in my life. A trend I wish to continue for many years to follow.