13th June 2015: Bali, Indonesia
I woke up this morning after crying in my sleep. This is new terrain for me, and definitely not the ideal way to approach a day. The reasoning for my subconscious sobbing is obviously open to interpretation, however, it felt like an overwhelming feeling of loneliness and the feeling of loss present in my life. Thankfully, I am feeling much better as the hours pass, and, I am wishing for the dream to be a singular event. Honestly, what sort of existence involves unexplained crying in my sleep!
2nd March 2015: Sydney, Australia
I have had great doubt in regards to spending time away over the winter months. It is such a new phenomenon, and with much regret I admit the concerns derive from a fear resulting of being alone for a significant period of time whilst thinking about how I would cope when a bout of nausea arises.
Thoughts about being unwell can either be seen as a realistic outlook based on experiences from the last year or a future script determining how my body will react. Admittedly, I think the latter explanation holds greater weight, and is reflective of the fear governing my life. A commonality of fear also exists in relation to being alone, and is completely new terrain for me. Previous travel has seen me leave my country of residence without any hesitation. An assurance of having a passport and cash would be sufficient preparation to book a train or flight overseas. An example coming immediately to mind is when I walked from my house to St Pancras station in London, and ended up travelling through Germany, Czech Republic, Hungary and Slovenia for a two week period.
The change in my mindset and overall approach to living is interesting, particularly when considering how a degree of fear has managed to creep into my life. Fortunately, I have been able to recognise these changes, and an incident today reinforced the need to face this challenge. As touched upon, it appeared the decision was made to not undertake the planned holiday, however, a moment whereby I was walking up the beach on an overcast day made me really question the narrative created for myself about being lonely whilst reaffirming my complete apprehension towards cold weather. Consequently, airing these points has made the decision a lot easier. Firstly, I know the same amount of pleasure will not be found in winter here compared to the life lived in South East Asia, and secondly, this whole created narrative about being unwell and how I will cope needs to be shattered. Therefore, I have arrived at a place, confident in knowing the best solution to overcome both points is to just book the flights with the rest of the planning simply falling into place. Lastly, I need to both recall and implement a saying used over the past year. In varying circumstances, I have described my circumstances as being time rich, yet money poor. Surely, I have to truly live out this belief rather than regretting a lost opportunity at a later stage, especially when bearing in mind my intentions of returning to work next year.