28th August 2015: Sydney, Australia
Honestly, it seems a gigantic hole of worry and fear can take complete control of me when just the slightest pain or discomfort is experienced. For instance, I had a cup of Matcha Green tea this morning, and am currently writing this entry seven hours later, crouched over in agony from the stomach cramping endured throughout the day. I was totally unprepared for such a reaction, and have only made the connection between the tea and intense cramping when looking at the many online posts. Obviously, it doesn’t just stop with a thought of it deriving from the tea. The big ‘what if’ questions looms large within my thought process, and it is comparable to a fallen group of large boulders on a road whereby I can find now way of getting through the predicament. I acknowledge it is a massive overreaction, especially bearing in mind how well I have been recently progressing, however, it is clear evidence of how easily fear can surface within my consciousness.
13th November 2014: Sydney Australia
I have come to realise a slight obsession has been directed towards the Sunflower Framework, and upon reflecting on the matter, it seems that I have bought into the programme to such a degree that any failure was not considered an option! It wasn’t till really taking the time to look into all the tasks needed to launch the programme that a lack of enthusiasm has crept into my consciousness. I was under the impression a study on the model would be possible via a university, however, failed to consider the fact of the framework meeting a sufficient standard or holding the necessary academic qualifications to undertake such a study programme.
The brief enquires made about study options left me with feelings of disappointment, regret and failure. As noted, I had bought into the idea so much that no longer was I to simply operate these groups in the community, but a research project would be completed with measurable questions to be designed. An endless scope of opportunity awaited! How foolish.
The very essences of setting myself up to failure whilst seeking gratification was applied. My mind was in overdrive with ideas whilst seeking feedback, and now consequently I am left in a position whereby there is a reality the framework actually may not eventuate. The decision to not pursue the framework from the current state to possible future options is naive, however, an adjustment of my goals and the manner in conversing about the planning is essential. I feel some lessons have been gained from it, namely the sharing of ideas without becoming to obsessive about it. Moreover, it is imperative how I proceed with my first rejection, an undeniable factor previously foreseen, however, overlooked from the ego-driven ideas about the endless scope of the project. In summary, a refined approach is required, and hopefully a more realistic and achievable outcome will be obtained. Finally, the process is a reminder about the power of the ego when giving free reign to create grandiose plans with limited attention placed on the smaller steps in life.