Did I attend my own funeral?

31st August 2015: Sydney, Australia

Obviously, a degree of happiness was bound to occur when surrounded by close friends and family when drawn together to celebrate, however, a heighten level of elation is felt when thinking about the entirety of the Saturday night. On reflection, I can honestly say the experience makes me inclined to believe I recently attended my own funeral. There was a particular point, involving approximately 15 close friends who were all standing in a small circle. Typically, such a scenario would involve testosterone charged banter exchanged to one another. A difference was in the air though. All in attendance were completely engaged in the random impromptu speeches being made about me. It was a fairly moving personal encounter, and was further evidence of the amazing support I have in my life. It was actually rather surreal when I had to listen to the words said by a number of people close to me, a situation only really seen at a funeral or wake. I am unable to fully recall all the comments, however, definitely have certain memories imprinted in my mind, and plan on integrating the stories into my evolving self-narrative. I should also note my wishes of hoping the speeches actually symbolise a death has occurred, namely, a complete extinction of any Cancerous cells, allowing me to again live freely.

Matcha Green Tea = ?

28th August 2015: Sydney, Australia

Honestly, it seems a gigantic hole of worry and fear can take complete control of me when just the slightest pain or discomfort is experienced. For instance, I had a cup of Matcha Green tea this morning, and am currently writing this entry seven hours later, crouched over in agony from the stomach cramping endured throughout the day. I was totally unprepared for such a reaction, and have only made the connection between the tea and intense cramping when looking at the many online posts. Obviously, it doesn’t just stop with a thought of it deriving from the tea. The big ‘what if’ questions looms large within my thought process, and it is comparable to a fallen group of large boulders on a road whereby I can find now way of getting through the predicament. I acknowledge it is a massive overreaction, especially bearing in mind how well I have been recently progressing, however, it is clear evidence of how easily fear can surface within my consciousness.

Rest = Exercise

23rd July 2015: Sydney, Australia

I surfaced from the comfort of my own bed knowing the morning routine of blood sampling, scaling questions and the overload of information were not to follow. Instead, I peacefully rested in bed, feeling happy with my situation whilst firmly focusing on just resting throughout the next few weeks.

I need to stay content with the concept of rest, and although it may sound moronic at such a stage within my recovery, I know attention on the matter is required to ensure rest plays a dominant role in my life over the coming weeks. Failure to focus on rest will only make me curious about integrating a degree of exercise into my life, and the consequences of completing any exercise at this stage would be ridiculous. Furthermore, there is no way my body is in a position to exercise so any thought directed to the area is extremely moronic. The motivation to start moving again stems from the personal beleif of exercise keeping me focused in life whilst providing obvious physical and mental advantages. Therefore, it is really simple, should I wish to once again feel I am progressing in my life, then I need to see the stage of rest as important as actually completing any exercsie.