Interpretations of my mind

10th September 2015: Sydney, Australia

I have been thinking about the mental imaginary associated when having a scan. In the past, an identification with Wolverine would have been present whereby the testing was a process to discover the powers of behind my longevity. Now, it appears my thoughts correlating to my so called powers have been replaced with an imagination centred upon a future swimming underwater adjacent to my fictional beautiful wife. When in the midst of the thoughts, I am really capable of exploring my imagination, and thoughts are evoked of my wife resembling a mermaid who elegantly wades through the water whilst her luscious hair leaves a stream of bubbles in her wake. For some reason she is always swimming in front of me, meaning it is incapable of seeing her. Consequently, my sight is firmly focused on her swimming ahead of me whilst embedded in majestical blue surroundings.

I am not sure what meaning is attached to the change, and would be intrigued by the interpretation of others. Personally, I see the change reflecting an evolution of my future life.

Did I really dream that…

13th June 2015: Bali, Indonesia

I woke up this morning after crying in my sleep. This is new terrain for me, and definitely not the ideal way to approach a day. The reasoning for my subconscious sobbing is obviously open to interpretation, however, it felt like an overwhelming feeling of loneliness and the feeling of loss present in my life. Thankfully, I am feeling much better as the hours pass, and, I am wishing for the dream to be a singular event. Honestly, what sort of existence involves unexplained crying in my sleep!

Is the answer love, food, meditation, faith or simply a surgical knife…

28th May 2015: Bound for Bali

How strange life is! I have observed people all around me suffering the effects of a virus or flu at the moment, and only four days ago, I would have placed myself in the same category. Now, the knowledge of having a Cancerous tumour growing inside of me seems to reinforce a separation between me and others. I actually had a dream comparable to a scene out of the film Inception where layers of dreams existed. Unfortunately, the dream did not have the ending desired, and my current predicament is the reasoning for this entry. Exact details are not recalled, however, I know the situation was much worse in deeper layers before I surfaced through many layers to wake up. The very first conscious thought was one of relief, knowing it was just a dream, then, the awareness followed that I was no longer dreaming, and in fact I have Cancer.

I have been attempting to discover the reasoning for the re-emergence. Was it the protein had recently, the occasional inclusion of spelt bread or products containing gluten? Alternatively, could it be something much greater, and involve a lack of love and intimacy in my life? I imagine the search and questioning could forever be endless. Thus, I need to change my focus to one of acceptance, and then devise a way of approaching the times ahead. It sounds absolutely unrealistic, but I have been saying affirmations to myself, asking for a miracle to occur whereby the next scan shows the tumour has disappeared. That very example is a reflection of the desperation felt, and in no way shows a position of acceptance. A more plausible way of thinking about the future is considering the amount of healthy cells in my body compared to the narcissistic entity currently residing in my body. My ideal situation would be to call to arms the vast array of healthy soldiers to fight this one expanding tumour, however, the question remains of how I can manage to achieve this outcome. Love, food, movement, meditation, laughter or simply a matter of a surgical knife cutting it out for ever.

How to remain focused on my goals..

8th April 2015: Sydney, Australia

I view attention to rest as concrete evidence of the dawning of a new reality present in my life, particularly when bearing in mind the area was overlooked prior to being forced by the discovery of Cancer to review my behaviour and actions. A key point to highlight from the entirety of this Cancer journey is the opportunity to fully focus on myself, including the scheduling of rest into my life whilst also not allowing a stance to be adopted whereby the period is viewed with pity, regretfulness and loss. Admittedly, ample entires document the varying thoughts circulating throughout my mind, some far from positive, however, the fluctuating thoughts appear essential to create a narrative about the experiences I continually face.

Personally, the whole situation needs to be looked at with perspective, and most importantly, it is imperative to create new scripts to block old patterns from rearing a presence in my life again. I acknowledge many more challenges await, and similar to any other person, the obstacle for me entails remaining focused, driven and motivated on my goals. A factor holding more weight when the rigours and demands of everyday life demand greater attention. To conclude, I must say, with all the feelings and emotions attached to the circumstances endured, I would deem myself to be relatively happy. Therefore, my motivation, focus and drive needs to centre upon achieving greater happiness in all areas of my life, completely unrestricted by any diagnosis, fears or factors associated with having Cancer.

A look at my dream from last night…

18th March 2015: Sydney, Australia

The direction today is completely off topic, basically sharing a dream from last night. Please bear in mind the facts, if dreams can be classified as such, may be a tad skewed due to the mental blocks appearing unrecoverable and lost to my conscious state of mind.

The recollection commences with me and another person sliding down an enlarged water slide, I know there is companion present, and this is where the haze has impacted the story because the face is not emerging into my consciousness. I think the key word is enlarged, so imagine a ridiculously big slide, comparable to something out of a Pixlar animation. The slide also resembles a boat sized craft, and it is storming along a path causing all sorts of havoc on the way. I have the feeling we were being chased, again, I am not sure about these details, however, one pivotal point was a calmness and joy experienced. Interestingly, the country of origin is appearing to be a certain nation with torture seemingly acceptable.

I did say a fluidity would be non-existent, and to fill in the gaps lets just say we have been caught. In addition, the two of us has now suddenly become three. One is strapped to a table about to be tortured, another is acting as translating helping to calm the tenseness rising in the room, and there I am confronted with a military man of South East Asian/Chinese descent who is evidently not impressed with our previous actions. The room is dark, most likely underground, and it appears I have deduced this from the water trickling from parts of the wall accompanied by a smell of dampness and humidity. Not very imaginative is it? So, my accomplice (makes it a it little more adventurous doesn’t it) is still strapped to a table with officers surrounding her. I am adjacent to the table (not sure why it is a her, not really the heroic type), situated in the middle of the uniformed man to my right, and my other accomplice is on my left. At this point, my attention shifts to the bowl of chips located on the corner of table closest to me. I recall a good sized portion of chips is within my hand, and most likely a handful of chips are already in my mouth. For some reason, the act of eating resulting in the uniformed man yelling at me for having more than one. It had only just come to me, however, I must be bi-lingual as I understand what is being yelled at me, and instead of following the instruction I clearly interpreted, I turner with a confused look to my other accomplice who appears to be a translator. My second accomplice, has a device to translate the language into English, and whilst pressing on keypad for a period of time, he produces a calculator with a bunch of numbers on them. At this stage, I have a mouth full of chips, look at my friend still strapped to the table who has not been harmed, and simply burst into hysterics. Unfortunately, I then woke up or forgot what followed, however, the humour and absurdity of the circumstances does bring a smile to my face. Therefore, I have been in a fairly jovial mood all day reminiscing at the collections of memory floating into my consciousness. I must say, I do hope my friend first accomplice was ok though 😄

A Mantra…

29th August 2014: Dorset, United Kingdom

Life. Along with live and love has been the almost Mantra like phrase I have been repeating to myself throughout the pst six months. The three words have become a personal ritual accommpanied by a visual scanning my body and an inward hope and demand for survival. It was today though that I gave this some thought. Should it be a focus of life, live (as is to live) and love and a combination of them all, i.e. I have life, and will live my life with love or I love to live my life? Or does that not indicate a pleading or seeking of life and love rather than actually focusing on living? To place all atention on life, in a sense overlooks the very nature of what you are doing at the present time. Am I not breathing, is my mind not chattering, is my stomach not simulating a moving tide on a sandy beach, and are my ears not picking up on the noises surrounding me? Whilst writing this, a juxtoposition is evident. Yes, a focus on life enables me to create a future, however, if a future can be created in my mind then is it possible for a real future to exist? A varied approach would simply ential being in the present moment, and for me, the moment is exactly what I am certain about. The present moment is a time when I can stop myself from overcomplicating every aspect of my life with thoughts, worries and feelings. Of course, there is no right or wrong answer. Rather, it seems a combination of the both is needed, especially when linking it back to the idea of formulating a strategy for life and survivial based on creation of life within in my thinking and belief system.

In regards to the present moment, a lot of my reading has been focused on the power of the mind, and the need to slow down in every aspect of life. When practising this, I have come treasure moments, and they may be mundane times whereby an overwhelming sense of happiness flows through my body, resulting in a recognition of my hands tapping away, my face smiling and a feeling of just being happy. When in then midst of experiencing happiness, I have come to think that surely this is what living is about? Life isn’t about wishing your life away, creating catastrophies in my mind or trying to examine every details of life. It is about living it. If anyone can increase the times when you are feeling like this, whether that may be through whatever task you choose then simply enjoy it and recognise it. I certainly know there have been times when I have spent my energy and thoughts racing around causing un-necessary stress to me body. Actually this very day, my mind was ticking over with the worst case scenario, and it was in part due to writing the journal that helped me stop these thoughts from spiralling downwards. As noted, before ‘it all happened’ my mind raced much more often then it currently does, however, now I breathe, realise how little I will achieve from overthinking an ‘issue’ that I’ve actually created or interpetered and also think about the effects of keeping my body in a state of stress compared to one that is relaxed and able to help every part of my body continuousy heal, recover and flourish.