Any questions or topics for me to write about it?

24th September 2015: Sydney, Australia

Is it just me or do others find it easier to write when not feeling great? Honestly, I feel a need to share my despair and pain with world, yet, when feeling happy or simply content in my life, the motivation to write about my experiences appear to not rate highly on my list of priorities. Is this just the way we are wired or is it me?

I can easily draw on events or activities occurring frequently in my life to share, however, a disparity seems to exist in my motivation to write between the varying times. For the longevity of my blog, possibly I need to expand from simply providing accounts saturated in negativity to many other facets in life.

Those of you I have shared comments would know one of the most beneficial points of the blogging is to to connect with others. Therefore, I ask whether anyone at anytime has a topic they wish me to write about? I should provide a disclaimer, highlighting my incapacity of quality assuring the writing in advance, however, it may be another beneficial way to connect with others and share ideas. To conclude, fire away people 😄

An inseparable future for two people

18th September 2015: Sydney, Australia

I received confirmation my body is clear of any Cancer. A point to usually to celebrate, and admittedly, I am of course extremely pleased with the results, however, it does not feel like the time to be experiencing joy. Of course a focus needs to centre upon my health and wellbeing, and neglecting my own feelings will inevitably result in an imbalance within my body. It just seems so hard to be experiencing happiness knowing my mum is suffering. In saying that, I do recognise a place needs to be found whereby the emotions associated with my mum are better managed whilst also ensuring sufficient attention is placed on my personal growth and development. Furthermore, it is essential to think of the circumstances unfolding on a wider scale. No longer is it possible to solely focus on my journey as it now appears the futures of my mum and I are interconnected. Therefore, it is pivotal to support my mum in many ways, including the necessity of sharing my personal successes and strength. Ultimately, this strategy will ease her concern about my wellbeing, allowing her to focus more on herself, and importantly, will hopefully support the both of us to thrive in the future.

How to balance self-improvement with a social identity

9th September 2015: Sydney, Australia

The yoga classes attended yesterday and today made me reflect on the time spent since my operation, particularly in regards to questions about whether I used the time effectively. I definitely allowed time for my body and soul to heal, however, I am uncertain if a degree of complacency was able to creep into my life throughout the latter weeks. I believe a feeling of simply being content in life was apparent, and ironically, it seems I have an enhanced ability at juggling multiple tasks when a greater number of activities feature in my day. Moreover, virtually all the tasks I wish to be completing when I make a return to my usual level functioning are undertaken on an individual basis. Consequently, sacrifices to the social component of my life are necessary should the life I thought I wish to strive for be implemented. It seems my previous planning centred upon the concept of self-improvement, and the planning resulted in a loss to my social connections. Therefore, it is essential to ensure I learn from my past, and still partake in all the actives I wish to complete, however, prioritise the space to regularly connect with friends and family in social situations.

The change in feeings

4th September 2015: Sydney, Australia

I just reviewed my entry from yesterday, finding little to currently resonate with in my current state of mind. It makes me think how strange it is to witness my feelings fluctuate from one day to the next. Undoubtedly, the very condition of human nature is to be dynamic, responding in accordance to our surrounding environment, and the changing state of mind is not specific for the Cancer population (if I can label it as such). The feelings of all is bound to fluctuate depending on varying events and stressors in their lives, however, my personal experience makes me inclined to think people with Cancer or other mental and or chronic health concerns would feel the swings more frequently and intensely. The direct influence of fearing actual death is the key factor behind my reasoning. Admittedly, there are times like today whereby I am feeling positive and in a generally normal mind-state, however, as seen yesterday, an inherent fear is yet to be conquered.

How to make better choices

30th August 2015: Sydney, Australia

I have been considering the events from last night, and can clearly identify how a few pivotal moments determine my future actions when in a social situation. The picture posted yesterday gives an indication of the celebration unfolding around me, and I am pleased to be able to associate positive feelings with the night, particularly in relation to the decisions made at specific stages. Most notably, those moments whereby the direction of the night can transform my night into a place I do not wish to be. Hopefully, the night can be used in future situations to assist me in continually making better choices in my life. Failure to learn from those moments will only lead me in a direction away from how I wish to be living my life.

Why are we so fat?

24th May 2015: Sydney

There is little wonder why Obesity levels are causing such massive concerns for many nations. The perfect example was played out in front of me as I looked on in amazement. I was at a leaving function, and the amount of unhealthy foods and drinks was astonishing. My mind was left wondering what solution exists to fix the problem as it seems so entrenched to associate a celebration with such foods and soft drinks. The only point coming to mind is ironically a matter I have been thinking about recently.

The topic is the excessive amount of food displayed on social media sites, and to be honest, I was opposed to all the healthy version of cakes or other desserts constantly on display. My reasoning stemmed from a thought of the foods not changing the behaviour of people on a wider scale. Rather, the display of cakes and sweets would lead the typical person to simply eating the same way. I must say, bearing witness to the events today definitely changed my opinion, and it seems the awareness of healthier options of these foods and availability of fruit, a now somewhat demonised item of food needs to be thoroughly distributed to the greater masses so alternative options are available for people to try and hopefully choose to eat in the future. Failure for this to happen surely signals an increase in even a fatter and unhealthier population of people.

Physical, emotional and mental strains of Cancer…

1st May 2015: Sydney, Australia

A possible flaw has been identified in the framework I designed to help others with Cancer. Initially, my planning was based on the idea of challenging attendees in a similar manner to others in the community who engage in group work, however, recent circumstances in my life brought the matter to surface, namely, the limited emphasis I placed on the possible physical and mental capacity of future participants. On reflection, I feel my intentions reflect the personal strategy created to ensure I faced the duration of time on chemotherapy with a belief of undermining the impact it would have on my life. I acknowledge many would suggest overlooking the impact of treatment for people is negligent, and I must add, of course consideration was made to such a blatant point, however, I feel sufficient attention was not directed to the area.

The events leading to a shift in my thinking again derive from the level movement in my life, and most likely links to memories elicited from viewing past photos. In summary, I have developed a tailored plan in regards to the level of movement that will feature on a weekly basis. My reasoning for tailoring the plan as such results from a knowledge of avoiding physically over exerting myself whilst recognising the great importance needed on recovery time to combat levels of fatigue experienced. The fact my programme is much less intense compared to one in place should I not be receiving treatment is a clear example of the need to also design the framework accordingly. I do recognise the main focus on movement in my life, and some may argue this may not be a suitable example when making comparisons with mental fatigue. In response, I would advise those people give equal weight to mental and physical fatigue, and my reasoning derives from previous study undertaken over the past year whereby I realised that regardless of whether it is physical, mental or even emotional fatigue, the end result is the same. It is for this very reason, I will explore avenues to decrease the load on future people who hopefully partake in my programme.

Is that a light at the end of the tunnel I can see?

12th April 2015: Sydney, Australia

A continuation of feeling well seems to be building momentum. It has now been many days since a bout of nausea has been experienced with my energy stocks also seemingly not depleted. Consequently, I have been much more social, a feature eliciting a sense of normality into my life. In addition, I am going to sleep, basking in the comfort of my bed. An experience lost as long as memory allows. Admittedly, in the social arena my complete confidence is still lacking, particularly resulting from the unshifting Cancer narrative I seem bound within. My self-awareness reinforces the origins of the unshifting narrative directly stemming from my internal thought process, however, as previously mentioned, momentum feels to be building.

I would like to say the battle is coming to a close, and the last appointment with my Professor has only reinforced these feelings. Admittedly, I have long advocated for not setting timescales in regards to the length of my treatment, however, periods of happiness flow throughout my thoughts in relation to the approaching prospect of once again resuming what would be deemed a normal life. The corresponding challenge is to ensure the avenue adopted in achieving the state of wellness within my mind and body throughout the entirety of this process continues after the treatment ceases. It is undeniable that to the outside world the previous sentence would not necessarily be shared, however, personally regardless of the circumstances faced, I feel to have found a security within my self. A defining factor I wish continues and flourishes when the next stage of my life begins.

Ok, we have split! Now let the post-breakup clean out commence…

23rd February 2015: Sydney, Australia

The cleanup of my relationship has commenced. I am fully aware the decision was made only approximately a month ago, so doubts constantly occur whether a cleanup is too premature, particularly when a picture, song or one of the many reminders in my life leads me to a place mixed with nostalgia and a desire for the situation to be varied. It seems I romanticise on all the good times enjoyed together, with no capacity to recall any of the times we argued. Interestingly, it was the very the same incapacity when breaking up with my last girlfriend, who I must add, was the complete opposite, and was able to conjure all kinds of reasons for not being together. Obviously, the right decision was previously made right?

An expansion of the cleanup process is most probably needed. I have not gone to the extremes of burning photos and letters. Rather, making subtle changes so I am no longer getting constant memories triggered by the wide range of methods available. A point seeming more apt in the times of social media. In addition, the modifications to my lifestyle result in me actually needing to confront the stark realities of the situation, and it appears I am constantly deploying a level of restraint to target the range of temptations experienced. Frequently times occur when a message, call or just a look to see how she has been doing can be a dominant thought, and it is the application of mental exercises that have ensured such actions haven’t been followed.

The cleanup process links directly to an acceptance of the situation, and similarities in tactics can be drawn from the learning associated with thoughts relating to the tumour inside of me last year. I could easily fall into a dark headspace with my feelings, however, use of mental exercises, integration of movement into my life and other factors have helped me work to a place whereby I can process the feelings of the breakup whilst applying blockers in place that restrict me from becoming obsessive about the circumstances, and falling completely off track in my life. One final point is how evident the breakup has been in proving to be a distraction from my health concerns. Not by any means the best distraction, however, a clear shift, demonstrating the opportunity for other stories to take priority in my life. A trend I wish to continue for many years to follow.

Regret or reinforcement

2nd November 2014: Sydney Australia

I very rarely look at what has bee noted on previous days, however, ironically the two words from the last passage ‘an imbalance’ immediately captured my attention. The irony of those two words results from the circulating thoughts about the total lack of equilibrium in my life. Mind you, other factors are to be considered, contributing to the imbalance, namely, the events from last night.

I must note, no feelings of regret have occurred throughout the day nor was it a matter of not enjoying myself, there are just a few very visible points from last night that should have been amended, and, ultimately, it is highly probable of a normal day being enjoyed if I altered my approach. I also recognise the ongoing dispute with my girlfriend definitely contributed to the chain of events, especially after receiving a text message being advised that we are no longer together and she has called a cease to the relationship. At the time, there was no thought that this would direct the future events, however, undoubtedly a strong association with the anger manifested. Consequently, leading me into a mindset where I wished to let off steam, particularly as I had an engagement party to attend.

On reflection, a number of amendments if applied most likely would have lead to a varying state I am not within. Firstly, the decision to not drive sets myself up for a difficult task with the location so far from my house, especially when leaving at a time when public transport slows down dramatically and the financial restrictions making the use of a taxi impossible. Not eat dinner or taking medication on time are almost moronic, bearing in mind the reports I have provided on the importance of food and medication to my energy levels. Consumption of alcohol is another point, and I’m not referring to drinking alcohol in excess, it was four drinks maximum over the course of the night, however, it is definitely a case of one or two that were unnecessary. Finally, insufficient sleep for the night is the final point, almost appearing as if last night I subjected my body to a test in an attempt to see the degree of change I could enforce on my body in one night. The results are so straight forward, and are the underlying reasons for making the changes to my lifestyle.

All day I have felt lethargic, consumed food today out of my usual eating plan, missed good waves and the beautiful whether, and am writing still tired after a four hour sleep during the day. In addition, the standoff/dispute/breakup with my girlfriend is still on-going. In summary, a very enjoyable night was had, and I am extremely happy to celebrate the engagement party, however, an equally enjoyable time could have been had without diverting so much from my approach to life. Another final thought was the flaws in my previous mindset whereby a weekend life fuelled on booze, mixed food, limited sleep were what I deemed heathy, as long as I did some exercise. In reality, it may have been the weakening of my immune system to allow the Cancer to rid my body. To conclude, there is little point holding regrets, rather use the night as reminder for how I actually wish to live my life.