Change

14th November 2015: Sydney, Australia

It is strange to consider a week has passed without a post added, especially considering the attention placed on writing throughout the past 18 months. I have definitely had a lot on my mind, and typically have used this platform to share my thoughts, however, it appears I have come to the position of seeing my writing as directly correlating with the need to seek support from others I connect with online. As noted, it has been extremely helpful, particularly in processing past feelings, fears and emotions, but I now feel changes are needed in my life. Consequently, meaning a change in my writing may be needed to facilitate this change. Yes, I will continue to write, however, hopefully a different focus will be evident. A focus, not saturated in despair and the questioning of every little detail of life. Rather, a more balanced blog that will lead to an evolution in my actual life 😄

An entry from the death docks!

9th July 2015: Sydney, Australia

I am currently sitting in the hospital, awaiting my name to be called for surgery. The scenery around me is dire. It is almost like all the people are at a waiting bay of death. In defence of the hospital, I can understand why the environment has such a mood, with a great deal of worry, concern and grief experienced by all in the room. The question I am thinking is how shifts could be made to the mood within the room? Immediately, solutions come to mind. How about:
– Brighter colours to elicit feelings that differ to the depressing wall facing me.
– A change from the sterile display of the room.
– Some cheerfulness or at least some degree of interest shown on the faces of the employees.
– Information about what to expect. Now, I am not asking for a compete layout, however, surely more information would assist then just signing a piece of paper then taking a seat in the deaths docks!

Lastly, I must acknowledge my feelings contribute greatly to being here, and it simply stems from a belief that I should not be here. I deeply feel that I do not belong is such an environment. Instead, I should be continuing my progression and strength towards a life of happiness and love that awaits.

Who of us are living Gatorage Day?

17th June 2015: Bali, Indonesia

What if everyday could be Gatorade Day! For those who haven’t already caught on, I am posing the question of whether it is possible for us to live a life whereby feelings are elicited on a daily basis similar to those experienced by team members or coaches after winning a tournament. Imagine it! The daily feeling of pure ecstasy, satisfaction, achievement, with an overwhelming need to celebrate and embrace those around you. Maybe I am being naive thinking this is only a false unobtainable concept, and really many people are consistently rejoicing in their own Gatorade Day.

Whilst hypothesising the idea of Gatorade Day, I must highlight one of the flaws needing to be addressed. Namely, the imbalance between winners and losers. If you can picture a scene involving a coach being provided with a Gatorade shower by his team, then you surely must have also noticed the losing team who are not sharing in the happiness. Therefore, if this whole activity is simply fictitious rambling, it only seems probable to also have the power to change the dynamics of the day, particularly to establish a scenario where no-one will be weeping on the ground devastated while bearing witness to their opponents basking in their achievement. The internal quarrel becomes whether in fact I would intervene in the organic battle between winners and losers? If so, could I not be actually tearing apart the fabrics to success, and ultimately, having a detrimental impact on the so called losers or people who failed? My reasoning stems from a thought of some people, myself definitely included who at times may need to fail at least once before claiming victory.

It would be be interesting to hear whether people are living their Gatorade Day or any other thoughts associated with the entry 😄

Is love the answer?

15th June 2015: Bali, Indonesia

A complete reversal from the previous day was experienced upon rising. I instinctively knew from the very moment of opening my eyes that a happy and enjoyable was approaching. Admittedly, the dancing undertaken in the bathroom after leaving my bed further reinforced this belief. It is interesting how the entry is the polar opposite to the last time I opted to write.

It is now 7pm, and the morning feeling has thus far provided accurate. In summary, a really fun time in the water was had in the morning, some delicious lunch, a sleep, and have just returned from competing yoga down on the forefront of the beach as the sun drifted off behind the ocean. To close, I must say it extremely hard to describe how I can feel such happiness, considering everything happening around me. The question begging me relates to the power of love, namely, whether outcomes may differ for some people experiencing hardship should sustained, accepted and reciprocated true love be present in the lives? Maybe I am a hopeless romantic, and it is likely I am, because I am holding onto as a truth.

Do photos really show if we are happy?

29th April 2015: Sydney

I found myself locating, then reviewing photos from the past few years. One striking feature was a smile always on sprayed across my face. Consequently, I was left wondering whether I was happier in the past, and if so, does my current state of perceived unhappiness derive from a complete change in living circumstances; health; relationships; experiences; available finances, and employment status? Or alternatively, does the question need to be posed of whether happiness can actually be gauged from looking at photos?

If we were to break down the function of a photo, in the most basic format it captures moments, and some would suggest, only moments to cherish (honestly, how many selfies are posted on the first take). Therefore, the possibility surfaces of becoming drawn to consider past happiness as triumphing over my current state, especially when reviewing pictures when not the feeling the best. Really, who goes looking for photos when happy! In all seriousness, and with little surprise, I am inclined to think I have been happier in the past compared with now. Inevitably, a number of factors could support a basis for the change, and this is definitely not a path I will walk down for sympathy. Instead, I propose that surely a greater level of happiness can be obtained in my current and future life, and firstly this position needs to be truly believed in my mind before it can eventuate.

So, you may ask how a shift in direction will occur? Obviously many areas of my life need to be explored, however, honestly the process of exploring my mind and feelings through these entries helps to put topics into perspective, namely, the compartmentalisation of my Cancer experience into a certain place whereby I once again I can see the smile dominating my face.

Does writing about Cancer and the feelings attached actually help?


28th April 2015: Sydney, Australia

The avoidance of writing about my ever fluctuating mental states seems necessary. My reasoning derives back to an earlier entry relating to an acceptance of my circumstances, and true acceptance entails an absolute submission to experiencing both the highs and lows associated with Cancer. Inevitably, down days are going to occur, and the process of documenting these days only seems to imprint a negative impact on my overall well-being. At times, a feeling of becoming stuck within a hole of despair is the predominant thought embedded within my subconscious, and consequently, my consciousness then allows these thoughts to sift into my everyday feelings and future outlook. It is somewhat paradoxical to refrain from writing about these times, however, it is a decision made to encourage a true acceptance of my circumstances whilst making a more conscious attempt at furthering my growth.

Recovery of preparation?

7th April 2015: Sydney Australia

Recovery from Cancer or preparation for life is the paradox currently churning through my thoughts. If applying the question to my life, I would definitely describe my current status as preparing for life. I acknowledge the view may shift according to my feelings, and the fact of many areas in my life needing to improve, however, I will not allow the narrative about myself a year after my operation to still be placed in debilitated state. Instead, the proposed reframe symbolises the physical, mental, financial and social factors associated with Cancer are all apart of a process towards personal growth.

Why do I get night terrors like a little boy?

17th March 2015: Sydney Australia

The relief felt this morning was something to cherish, and I instinctively knew the exact moment my eyes opened that the terrors of the night had finished. The night of discomfort commenced as usual once my head hit the pillow with the lights off. Of course, I was thinking in overdrive, with an unproductive and unrealistic thought process circulating throughout my mind. A typical stream of thoughts followed, starting with a period of unease and restlessness till I awoke from a semi-conscious state at approximately 3am to a bout of nausea not experienced in many months. It was at this point, a longing to just be normal again was so present within my thinking. Instead of opting for some medication to ease the discomfort, I simply had a glass of water before miraculously finally falling into a deep sleep. Admittedly, the pain in my tooth was still present when waking up, yet, such a feeling of bliss was experienced at knowing the night and nausea were over, and replaced by the rays of the sun shining light into my room.

I can draw a sense of victory from maintaining a reluctance to just take pain-relief to temporary ease the situation. It seems ridiculous, overdramatic or just a case of using my imagination, however, I see similarities to a scene from a movie whereby a ravished crew awake to a flat ocean and bright shining sun after a night of fierce storms. The lesson learned is that hard times are to be endured, and the easiest option is not necessarily the best option.

I am going overseas, so just rip the tooth out!!

9th March 2015: Sydney, Australia

I was correct about the over-reaction to the pain from Thursday. Scans revealed the source of the pain was a swelling of my gums around one of my remaining wisdom teeth. Initially, attempts were made to apply gel to the region, however, three days of pain resulted in the decision to just booking an extraction of the tooth. My thinking was based on two ideas. Firstly, if I am in pain, it is preferable to be in pain knowing the tooth has gone, and secondly, it is far better eliminating potential concerns before travelling overseas during the winter months.

One of the points associated with this process was the delay in getting the tooth extracted, and this derives from the concerns held about the treatment I am receiving. Obviously, it is essential point to be considered, and in all honesty, my Professor made a fairly swift response. It was just another factor reinforcing the restrictions on planning due to my circumstances. Two examples come immediately to mind in regards to this topic. The waiting period as mentioned is one such factor, and the other being the need to be fully equipped for the planned overseas travel to Indonesia over the months of June/July. Factors to consider include a heightened awareness of the food eaten due to concerns and implications with my Cortisol levels should I become ill, the exploration of travel insurance options excluding any Cancer related concerns plus future decisions regarding use of injections and medications whilst away. On reflection, all points should really be factored into travel, so possibly on my behalf it’s more a lack of vigilance in the past.

To conclude, I am completely content with the prospect of being in a pain for another week. My reasoning, I have the knowledge it is simply a tooth ache 😄

Instability masked as a question about life..

26th February 2015: Sydney, Australia

I was sitting in the surf considering the entry yesterday, and thought an alternate view should be proposed to the seemingly apparent dependency I have on drugs. The question I pose is whether my day actually revolves around a reliance on pills or do they simply provide the capacity to live a life whereby yoga; surfing; my writing; attention on fitness, and healthy eating can constantly feature?

In response, it is undeniable that drugs feature within my life, however, it appears the proposal of an alternate view serves a greater purpose. One whereby a clearer demonstration of the very fabrics governing my life is displayed, namely, the ever shifting feelings encountered on a daily basis, and regardless of the topic of drugs, the major point brought to attention is the inability to just put forth one view, and standby the words scribed when my feelings fluctuate the following day. A matter seemingly more strenuous when writing in the midst of a battle against the night monsters who seem to terrorise my consciousness when my head hits the pillow compared to a more stable chain of thoughts experienced during day light hours.