Road rage is surely not going to come across as a new term, however, what if I was to say I experience a slight degree of pool rage? Obviously, anger is not the most attractive characteristic, and the motivation to change is possibly symbolised in the decision to write, particularly with my rage possibly effecting the enjoyment of others when in the local pool.
I see swimming in a fresh outdoor saltwater pool as a privilege, and the act of bringing a degree of angst into this environment is simply not acceptable. To avoid any confusion, I do not actually show any rage towards others. Instead, at certain times I feel angry when seeing someone swimming across all the lanes. I try to control my feelings, however, always seem to be unable to just accept the fact some people will swim like they are running away from a wild rhino in the jungle. Seriously, I need to chill out and relax a little more right!
I have always referred to the widespread impact a singular Cancer can have on many, particularly those closest to a person, and unfortunately, it appears my initial worries have manifested. I heard the news when getting into my car after having my latest scan. It was my mum calling as usual, however, immediately I detected something different this time when she said, “I don’t want you to worry but”.
Information surrounding my mum has come to light with further testing, and she is scheduled to have a Cancer removed tomorrow. Personally, I see a correlation between the recent turn of events and the stress associated with the challenges endured over last 20 months. My reasoning derives from research read when first discovering I had Cancer. The exact findings of the paper are not remembered in full detail, however, a trend was noticed in a Cancer diagnosis leading to an increased risk of health concerns for significant others. I am not at all seeking sympathy from others, merely, attempting to highlight the importance of looking at Cancer on a larger scale, especially how loved ones need to make space in their lives to care for themselves whilst having positive, healthy and appropriate avenues to channel the stressors involved in the circumstances. Lastly, I wish to outline the very pivotal point of remembering what worked for me may not be the best for her. Therefore, I need to take myself out of the situation, and simply reciprocate the unconditional love and support shown to me.
It seems the scene has been established for a rematch. The opponent once again facing me in the ring, appears to be my now arch nemesis who wants a second attempt after the hiding I handed out last year. The stakes are different though, with my opponent not having the weight compared to last time. Another positive note is the assurance knowing my supporters are once again already supporting me, an important factor considering my eyes have already overflown when both hearing and processing the news.
I was only informed of the fight about two hours ago by my manager, who as always is in my corner ready for action. In preparation, he has cleared his schedule tomorrow to talk tactics. Regardless of the outcome, I will still be going to my training camp in Indonesia. Albeit, for a shorter time. Upon my return, I will face the opponent in the ring. Even though I am confident, it would be very pleasing to discover the opponent is in fact an amateur rather than a heavyweight who does not wish to take the matter any further. Either way, I will physically, emotionally and mentally prepare for whatever awaits me.
I have been lost for words over the past two days, with the mental blockage seeming to have occurred again today. I can pinpoint the reasoning for this lack of motivation, and solely derives from a thought about the current imbalance present in my life.
In most areas I feel fantastic, being able to adhere with my plans for movement for the week, not having periods of nausea, and able to construct future planning regarding what I wish to be doing over the coming year. At first sight, all appears to be going well, there is of course the fact of no current income, however, this isn’t a major priority at the moment resulting from the limited weekly outgoings. So really, it is another positive point right? What is the missing link? One word, relationships.
It is now three days of enduring an old style country standoff with my girlfriend, and through the process of writing have been able to identify some of the moods had over the past few days as stemming from this. A standoff doesn’t sound like the best approach to regaining a balance in my life, actually talking would seem like an easy way to rectify this, however, something relatively small has now entered a phase where a stubbornness is stopping me from putting myself out there, or is the matter rather larger than I can face, and cowardly the larger issue has been unravelling throughout the past few days in disguise? There’s no link direct link to cancer. Rather a secondary connection to the Cancer experience, an area I imagine is difficult for many in a relationship, particularly for our case as we are living on opposite sides of the world. All I know is that is has left me angry, deflated, at a complete loss from not seeing her smile, and all the feelings have been intensified by a loneliness resulting from my parents taking a holiday. Yes, a 30 year old man who is feeling somewhat alone resulting from his parents going away for the weekend. Compare this to travelling alone around the world during my twenties. What a catch I’ve turned out to be!