I am still in Bali with the dynamics shifting since the large groups of friends I was staying with decreased to four. Included within the four is my brother who booked tickets at the last minute to join for a week. I’m so happy he made the decision, and importantly, was able to surf quality waves with me whilst generally spending time together. Two of my other best friends come in on Wednesday, so after two days alone, there will be a return to constant laughter and good times with those close to me.
I am uncertain how to interpret my feelings at present, and the two days alone may be testing. The support my friends and brother have provided is outstanding, and the departure of all has become a point more pivotal since hearing news about my Chemotherapy levels. In summary, the therapeutic dose in my body should be between 14-20mg. Therefore, you can imagine the news was not well received when hearing last night that I should immediately stop taking the drugs due to the reading of 28.8mg places me at extreme risk of toxicity. Moreover, it should be remembered that I increased my dose before the last set of blood samples were collected. Ultimately, meaning the results were inaccurate, and I would actually be scoring higher than 28.8mg.
In response, I questioned my doctor why it has only been the most recent period whereby limited side-effects have been experienced. A point difficult to understand when levels deemed dangerous correlate with the resurfacing of a tumour. Personally, it only reinforces the previously proposed thought that now the Chemotherapy is attacking the tumour. Furthermore, with no disrespect to my doctor, it shows the limited knowledge the medical professionals have in treating this type of Cancer. Again, another point making me consider my options post Radiotherapy. Most notably, whether I will remain on Chemotherapy. Hopefully the arranged PET scan will be able to assist the understanding on the tumour, namely, whether it has increased during the five week period or disappeared completely as hoped. To conclude, as you can see, I completely don’t know what to think or how to interpret the situation, and I am just wantmg to continue feeling better than when last posting 😀
I hate when people tell me everything will be ok.
I hate when people just don’t listen
I hate to think of the worry I have caused my family.
I hate having to decide who to tell my story with.
I hate even having to think about what my story is.
I hate to think I am writing this.
The platform of writing these entries was designed to be honest, and so I must confess there is a contrast to the content from the last entry. The reasoning is due to waking up yesterday with a hangover. It was the first time in over eighteen months, and I realise why drinking alcohol to excess is typically avoided. I spent the majority of the day asleep, missing very good waves and feeling as one would expect when hungover. Admittedly though, do I feel bad? The answer coming to mind is no. I probably will not drink alcohol to such an extent for a very long time, however, to visually express my outlook is to think of the night as a wave missed in the ocean. There is no benefit in remaining in a prolonged state of annoyance or frustration as the event or the wave has passed, and will never again be possible to obtain. I agree, a similar wave or event may again occur, and hopefully a better choice is made, however, all this is out of my control so it appears best to wait for the next wave to pass through.
It has been over 18 months since physically feeling like I am at present. A point I find so intriguing, especially considering the scan undertaken just over a week ago showed a Cancerous tumour was growing inside of me. To say I baffled is an understatement. The only way of comprehending the circumstances is by believing the chemotherapy now has a target to direct the intended function of the drug, opposed to reckoning havoc on the entirety of my body. Obviously, I may be completely incorrect, and must admit, the climate, laughter, friendship, yoga and enjoyment from surfing simply may be enhancing my current feelings. I also cannot overlook the importance of constant company of close friends in keeping me elevated whilst also stopping any destructive thoughts entering my headspace. Lastly, there is also talk of mysterious powers associated with the island, could it be that I am on the way to recovery without any need for surgery or another example of my desperation and vulnerability.