4th June 2015: Bali, Indonesia
I am wanting to write a brief entry to remind me at later times of the complete stillness held within my current thought process. I contribute the obtainment of the present state of mind to the idea of compartmentalising certain thoughts in my life to particular periods in the day. Obviously, the main chain of thoughts causing potential damaging chatter to intrude my consciousness derives from the fear gripping me. The process of compartmentalising thoughts allows me to feel the fear whilst blocking it from taking over my life. Consequently, I then can remain focused on the hope and belief in being-well, and it appears the strategy of directing attention to health and life is more effective than directing all my thinking towards Cancer. My situation may fluctuate, and I need to accept this, however, hopefully this short entry can trigger some of the memories and emotions associated with this period whilst acting as a reminder of how peaceful life can be.
2nd June 2015: Bali, Indonesia
I am settled into my trip, and oddly there has been a level of ease at putting aside the future awaiting me. I feel a combination between the sunshine, good friends, laughter, activity and the mental exercises completed made this process possible. In all honesty, I have switched my focus from fighting to simply not remaining stuck on thinking about the situation. I still hold a strong belief of being well, and am hoping as stated previously that I am wanting a miracle to occur. If the miracle doesn’t unfold, then it may not be the immediate future, however, I am certain my future destiny is positive.
One of the main points about heading overseas was described perfectly to my friend yesterday. To paint a picture, we had just had a really enjoyable surf and were riding tandem on a motorbike, looking over rice patties and other tropical flora. I then stated to my friend that holidays were essential and were like a spiritual recharge. When thinking about my words, I believe it to be true, and see it as a necessity in anyones life to get away at least once a year. I actually am unable to express how content I feel. Seems a fairly interesting statement to make when bearing in mind the circumstances around me, however, the fact of not experiencing any side-effects for some time whilst being engrossed in such a place leads me to think of the magical powers of spending time in a state of happiness. In addition, my current capacity to enjoy life makes me wonder whether the Mitotane (chemotherapy) is now targeting the intended area. Of course this is all hypothetical, however, I am hopeful it now executes the intended function of killing off the tumour. Add in my surroundings and peace of mind, and hopefully there are positive results awaiting me on my return to Australia.
29th May 2015: Bali, Indonesia
The first day has come to a close, and to say I am pleased with the decision to proceed with the trip is an understatement. I am so content, happy and relaxed it actually astounds me to consider I have a Cancerous tumour residing within my body. I am writing this now in the surrounds of a peaceful backdrop, with sounds of the ocean playing joyfully with the black sand as it flows with the pace of the tide. Interestingly, I went out dancing last night, stayed up late, and although it goes against everything I said yesterday, I had such a fun time with a good friend from London that only feelings of happiness are experienced.
At one period in the day, I found myself surfing with no other people in the water. I felt completely isolated from the world, and as usual my mind started ticking over. Interestingly, it wasn’t a destructive chatter. Rather, positive feelings seemed to be flowing throughout my mind, and I see this resulting from the decision made to compartmentalise certain periods in my day to only think about my future. I see it as more beneficial than constantly blocking out thoughts about my Cancer. The moment of solitude in the water was also heightened by the actual contents of my thoughts. I recognise the disapproval of some may follow, however, the platform is designed to share, so I feel it is a point to be discussed. The idea stems from the entry yesterday about the percentage of my body that is healthy compared to the tumour growing inside of me. For some reason, I have felt the need to draw on sensations from the environment to support my strength and well-being. I achieved this today by taking a moment to simply breathe whilst attempting to seek power from the ocean, sun and trees to heal my body. It is agreed that maybe the levels of desperation are showing, however, I am seeing the attempt as another tool that will possibly result in my survival. Therefore, it may sound naive and laughable, but if I survival, then anything attempted definitely outweighs my death.