Is the answer love, food, meditation, faith or simply a surgical knife…

28th May 2015: Bound for Bali

How strange life is! I have observed people all around me suffering the effects of a virus or flu at the moment, and only four days ago, I would have placed myself in the same category. Now, the knowledge of having a Cancerous tumour growing inside of me seems to reinforce a separation between me and others. I actually had a dream comparable to a scene out of the film Inception where layers of dreams existed. Unfortunately, the dream did not have the ending desired, and my current predicament is the reasoning for this entry. Exact details are not recalled, however, I know the situation was much worse in deeper layers before I surfaced through many layers to wake up. The very first conscious thought was one of relief, knowing it was just a dream, then, the awareness followed that I was no longer dreaming, and in fact I have Cancer.

I have been attempting to discover the reasoning for the re-emergence. Was it the protein had recently, the occasional inclusion of spelt bread or products containing gluten? Alternatively, could it be something much greater, and involve a lack of love and intimacy in my life? I imagine the search and questioning could forever be endless. Thus, I need to change my focus to one of acceptance, and then devise a way of approaching the times ahead. It sounds absolutely unrealistic, but I have been saying affirmations to myself, asking for a miracle to occur whereby the next scan shows the tumour has disappeared. That very example is a reflection of the desperation felt, and in no way shows a position of acceptance. A more plausible way of thinking about the future is considering the amount of healthy cells in my body compared to the narcissistic entity currently residing in my body. My ideal situation would be to call to arms the vast array of healthy soldiers to fight this one expanding tumour, however, the question remains of how I can manage to achieve this outcome. Love, food, movement, meditation, laughter or simply a matter of a surgical knife cutting it out for ever.

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Am I known as just that Cancer guy?

27th May 2015: Sydney Australia

I still leave for my trip tomorrow, however, it is now a shorted version, and I have hope that my ex-girlfriend will meet me for a week. Till yesterday, it had been a number of months since talking on the phone. Oddly, with everything happening, it felt so normal, elicited such happy emotions, and has intensified a want and need for her to be with me. I am unsure whether it will actually happen, and one of my major concerns is how fair the situation is for her, so will need to wait to see how it unfolds.

The reestablishment of communication had only added to the surreal feelings had in regards to everything happening around me. It was only last week, I was talking about a confidence in knowing the scan was to be ok whilst looking at the prospect of two months away surfing, completing my yoga and continuing my progression. Now, my mind is constantly drifting, knowing I will soon be cut open followed by a round of Radiotherapy. To put it simply, I just want to live a normal life, and not return to this story of me being the Cancer guy.