18th April 2015: Sydney, Australia
Below is a message sent to a friend last night.
What a moment of contemplation. Friday night, just cleaned toilet after another bout of diarrhoea, look in the mirror to see a weathered face starting at me, and if I didn’t need another prompt, my dirty pants from this morning were in my reflection.
The content is fairly self-explanatory, and with a continuation of diarrhoea throughout the day, I can truly say feelings of anger, accompanied by sense of loss have been brought to surface. Of course, many others experience bouts of diarrhoea, and are upset, however, there is a fear attached to the circumstances that may symbolise a matter of greater importance. Maybe I am being dramatic, it just appears to be an ever frustrating process whereby no pleasure seems possible. I have almost reached the point of reviewing past entries to actually read accounts of happier times because currently I am bound within a hole of fear, misery and anger.
17th April 2015: Sydney, Australia
I do hope people are not offended by the post. My reasoning for being so explicit is to give an accurate account of the harsh reality associated with the uncertainty constantly encountered. Well, here goes, and please remember my intentions are to share, not offend!
I shat myself today. Admittedly, a rather unorthodox start to an entry, however, it seems no other words will explain the embarrassment caused by the events of this morning. The incident is hopefully the final piece of an unfolding puzzle, responsible for causing havoc on my body over the past three days. I am unsure whether a link exists between the recent chain of events and the unfolding circumstances within my life for over a year now. It simply felt like my body needed to shut off from everything, and the 19 hours of sleep on Wednesday is surely evidence of this. A description of the recent feelings could be linked to images of a storm descending on my body to knock all the energy from me. Consequently, I am left curious as to the reasoning behind the sudden shift from feeling a seemingly normal level of health compared to now.
Interestingly, feelings of shame do not register in my thinking when recalling how the incident occurred. Instead, the unconditional support of my mum shines vividly, and helps me to see the situation in a humorous manner. In saying that, I am hopeful the storm passes, opposed to signalling something more severe than an singular, childlike accident. One point considered heavily over the past few days is the similarities to the difficulties had prior to the detection of the tumour 18 months ago. Furthermore, I have considered my possible vulnerability in Indonesia. Thoughts of regret have definitely circulated in my mind in relation to my travel plans, especially considering I am will not be insured due to the costs associated in covering me. In addition, it will not simply be a case of going to St Barts Hospital in London where I am known and receive the necessary treatment. Instead, there is a real possibly I will be in a very remote place, or worse, just need to tolerate the pain and self medicate till appropriate help is sought. Both, not very inviting prospects!