Arrogance or belief?

6th April 2015: Avoca Beach, Central Coast of New South Wales

Easter is a time of the year whereby I catch up with family, and has recently become a time for future options to be discussed. Particular periods on the calendar make comparisons of my circumstances from last year to now more defined. On reflection, it was interesting to relive some of the memories about my condition last year. For example, my weight, skin colour & intricacies of the surgery are some memorable examples of the discussion. Admittedly, the discussion elicits no negative emotion at all. Rather, the recollections only reinforces the progress I feel has been made thus far, and provides motivation to allow further progress to be made.

Naturally, conversation also shifts to future options, and again, a confidence is felt in expressing my thoughts and emotions. At present my plans are fairly brief. I will be going to Indonesia, hope to implement the designed programme later this year, and a return to work will occur next year. I understand the statement seems arrogant whilst also contradicting previous comments about setting timeframes upon myself, however, currently my chain of thought is firmly fixed on total recovery, and I have self-belief the points will come to fruition.

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Tickets have been booked… Indonesia awaits!

31st March 2015: Sydney, Austrlia

Yesterday, I lowered my dose of Cortisol back to 70mg. I would be lying if reference was not made to thoughts relating to drop in Cortisol correlating with a return of feeling nauseous. To my relief, no form of nausea was experienced, and I actually had a peaceful sleep for the first night in many weeks. I am unqualified to suggest a link exists between the slight increase of Cortisol and difficulty with sleep, however, the patterns experienced would suggest the increase had an impact on my sleep. On the basis of this hypothesis, I am hopeful the period of time in Indonesia whereby an increased dosage will be required to maintain my immune system does not lead to difficulties with my sleeping, however, importantly, I need to be mindful of not dwelling on this matter approaching the time or it would be virtually inevitable for difficulty with my sleep to surface.

The booking has been made to Indonesia, and a combination of time with friends mixed with a month on my own is planned. It is inevitable to meet other people whilst there, however, my thinking leading into the time will be to concentrate mostly on time spent alone, balancing my time between surfing, yoga, reading and meditation. In addition, it is hoped the local area will be explored, attempting to gain some understanding of the life of people from the local area. Initially, there was a level of concern about the lengthy period on my own, however, it seems this is all apart of the process, and the combination of time with spent alone with periods with close friends seems perfect 😄

Another mask to wear, this time it is was to hide the tears.

27th March 2015: Sydney, Australia

An appointment with my Professor two days ago resulted in an overwhelming feeling of normality sweeping throughout my mind and body. In extremely untypical circumstances, I had to hold myself together, ensuring my tears remained dormant for another day. Discussion on the very matter of holding back my years is whole another entry in itself, and on reflection, the reasoning for restricting my emotions is due in part to the facade deemed essential in showing a strength to the outside world whilst also attempting to decrease the emotional load on my mum who was present. It must be noted that my main concern regarding this entire process is the impact on my loved ones, especially my mum. Therefore, the point of having a facade is ironic as the main point from the appointment was summarised in the words of my Professor when stating he couldn’t see my trajectory being any better, and instead of showing joy, an outpouring of emotional overcame me. An experience in a medical setting comparable to the very first appointment when I was informed my life expectancy was no greater than six months should surgery not be opted for. Possibly, the simple reasoning derives from the reality of light at the end of tunnel approaching. Maybe a point worthy of tears.