10th February 2014: Sydney Australia
The events last night stained me with memories forming the basis of this entry. It all started with the ever familiar feeling of a nausea crippling all thoughts, motivation, strength and focus. Moreover, these thoughts were compounded by a repulsive odour that was passing throughout my system. An odour, toxic enough to test the fine line between feeling nauseous and vomiting (sorry if too much details). I recall thinking, ‘just one more year’. Fortunately, I soon realised this chain of thinking was not productive, so I pushed through the discomfort in order to complete some mental exercises enabling me to switch the thought process into a state of acceptance. I need to acknowledge the indisputable fact that side-effects will occur whilst also recognising the many flaws that exist in setting a timeframe for when the side-effects will finish, hence, the reason to instead seek for a degree of acceptance with my circumstances.
I stated many flaws could be outlined, and two main limitations will be explored. To commence, the most obvious point surely must relate to a possible scenario of being placed in a situation in a year from now where the recommendation to continue with the course of treatment is received. The reality of the outcome mush be highlighted, especially bearing in mind the mixed input received from varying professionals who have been involved in my care. An overview to portray the previous point entails a recommendation from the team of doctors in the UK who believe I should remain on the medication for a period of five years, with an indication of a maintenance dose for the entirety of my life. Secondly, my case was presented to doctor from the USA who is a specialist in the area, agreeing with a timeframe of no less than five years till review. Thus, as noted, a continuation of the treatment for more than a year could be a very real possibility. If so, what happens when I am feeling like this next year? What sense of hope can be derived from a situation when faced with another loss, especially with no finish line ahead. It is for this reason why an acceptance of uncomfortable and upsetting situations needs to be found within my life. It is not easy, however, it seems a far better approach than setting in place potentially harmful timeframes.
The second point is the growing inclination to use some form of prescription drugs to just sleep at night as a means of taking away any discomfort. A temporary solution in extreme circumstances, however, if taken on every occasion I feel nauseous, then I believe a reliance could easily be integrated into my weekly routine. Furthermore, serious questions need to be asked about whether the easiest option is necessarily the best option? In addition, I am unable to shift my view of seeing the action of taking a pill to relive any suffering as truly not doing all I can to overcome this situation. Again, this point would be contentious, and all people would vary in their approach, however, I feel a testing of my mind and body is definitely in process. Therefore, what reflections can be drawn from me taking the easy option? I am not advocating for suffering, yet, I would prefer a period of difficult is worked through by building my internal resources rather than a temporary remedy is taken in the form of a tablet. Finally, and is probably the primary reason for not considering use of any substance at this stage is due to very likely sedated effect on my body and mind th following mornjng. Therefore, I actually see the decision as counterproductive, and prolonging the period whereby I am incapable of undertaking routine tasks.