4th February 2014: Sydney Australia
My thoughts are still very much engrossed on a feeling of loss. It seems a degree of finality is established, confirming we have split. Undoubtedly, thinking about what would eventuate should I not be able to commit to moving to the UK contributed significantly, and on reflection it appears I consequently distanced myself from the decision making process. Ironically, it may also be associated with one of the subjects discussed yesterday, namely, whether the matter was too hard to deal with, and instead of facing the matter, I opted to allow it to just fester without giving it sufficient attention.
At present, all types of thoughts are creeping into my consciousness, including a change from going into a place of solitude to heading back to the UK for a period of time. In saying that, I recognise it is just the feeling of not having her in in my life, and of course the thinking is intensified by only a stream of nostalgic memories featuring within my thought process about the time together and the beauty seen in her. One point I find intriguing is how the mind changes at almost an instant, and this point connects with the term I previously discussed within a Cancer context, i.e, “complacency versus normality”. The term was created to equip people for future situations who successfully pass through their Cancer treatment, and wish to maintain some of the positives taken from the experience when faced with the reintroduction of everyday stressors and challenges, i.e. work, family, time, motivation. I have now shifted my thinking, and believe the example shows how the term can be applied on a wider scale, and in some ways is just another version of the well documented phrase, “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence”.
In response to the circumstances with my ex-girlfriend, it will be the first time I need to actually process this kind of loss without choosing to drink alcohol and go out partying. One would think the experiences of last year would have equipped me for the upcoming period, however, a major difference is felt in terms of my Cancer experience in comparison with a breakup. My reasoning stems from a belief of the Cancer experience being a temporary period in my life. In contrast, a finality seems associated with the circumstances with my ex-girlfriend, wiping away any future scenarios envisioned about moments to be shared together.