3rd February 2014: Sydney Australia
Motivation for writing has been recently lacking, particularly as the situation with my girlfriend, who now seems to be my ex-girlfriend was coming to a close. It has brought to surface a past thought, noting the power in paradoxes, especially in regards to leaving a position of having to not having. I believe reference was made in the previous entry about an argument with my girlfriend, and on reflection it is interesting how fast my mind can block out any negative past circumstances and just be overwhelmed by loss. More so, bearing in mind we are already on opposite sides of the world so there is no physical removal, and probably the easiest breakup with no possessions or children involved. Regardless of the circumstances, it seems to have captured my full attention and focus, and consequently left me feeling subdued and unable to show emotion. It just brings me back to consider the juxtaposition of fulfilling our desires, and leads me to think desires are dynamic and constantly changing. The matter of contention, eventuating in the breakdown in the relationship was my incapacity to commit to moving back to the UK. My reasoning was that I was headstrong in thinking that living in Australia was where I wanted to be, however, the level of doubt experienced over the past few days has greatly intensified.
Interestingly, the emotions involved in the argument raised both feelings about my past and future, and I feel these matters compounded by the unfolding circumstances with my girlfriend/ex-girlfriend. The past feelings experienced are inextricably connected to the thoughts about my future, largely in regards to my employment prospects. For instance. Prior to the discovery of the tumour, I had successfully obtained a promotion I was working towards. A position that would elevate my earning capacity, provide internal satisfaction, promote future opportunists whilst also be a new stimulating challenge. My decision was to keep my employers updated with my situation, and in summary I received an email from the director whilst in hospital recuperating from the surgery advising me that I was no longer eligible for the position. I can obviously understand the reasoning behind the decision, however, did question the process, including the complete lack of consultation, even to the point of the department making the decision without knowledge of my prognosis or whether in fact the tumour was Cancerous. To say I was bitter would be a massive understatement, and I still go this day hold some resentment about the decision.
At present, it seems another form of rejection, reinforces the impact of the secondary factors associated with the illness and then shifts my thoughts to a questioning of how employable I will be another year from now following a lengthy period away from work. As noted, the feelings of loss can span across several areas of my life, all stemming back to the tumour inside of me. In reality, yes, I am healthy and enjoying my life, however, I am now 30, living with my parents, broke up with my girlfriend, stopped my further education and lost an excellent career opportunity. It raises interesting thoughts about positivity, particularly the question of whether positivity is actually helpful? Some would scream it is the very essence of progressing throughout a course treatment. In contrast, it easily can be used to provide some kind of false hope for people so real issues don’t need to be focused upon because they are categorised as too hard to deal with.