20th January 2015: Sydney Australia
My whole body ached from the moment of waking, consequently a sluggish approach to the day followed with the majority of the day spent resting. The only moment of relief followed the remedial massage enjoyed in the afternoon. The day reinforced the need to ensure rest is factored into my daily routine plus made me consider the role of love and close companionship in correlation with a recovery from Cancer. I am basing this statement on the past three weeks whereby my girlfriend had been staying in Sydney, and interestingly these weeks were the most active had since my operation, yet I hardly experienced any serious bouts of nausea. Another factor was the increase in motivation to partake in activities compared to times when I am spending time alone. It seems there is almost a fine line between undertaking my usual schedule of activities, including yoga, surfing, reading, writing and exercise and exerting myself in a range of varying activities. I guess it should be noted that a typical day did see an afternoon crash, and this is a point not to be overlooked when reflecting on the time with a sense of nostalgia. Logically, the discussion leads me to consider the matter of employment and when will be the appropriate time to renter the workforce. It has been a matter at the forefront of my thinking recently due to a state of curiosity about whether a comfort in not working will be hard to shift. Ultimately, making it actually difficult to feel prepared to commence working again. Lastly, and importantly, the sense of working was much stronger in April/May last year when I was actively looking for positions compared to a somewhat acceptance currently held about my incapacity to work. Thus, limited interest and attention is presently placed on employment. Instead, my focus is completely directed to achieving and sustaining a level of health that surpasses previously experienced. The words I finish with entail a question of whether love to a close complain is always present in my life leads to my overall capacity to complete all tasks, including a renewed interest in work? Or am I just a hopeless failed romantic at heart?
17th January 2015: Sydney, Australia
I had thought attention on my Cancer has been decreasing over time, and had hoped for this to continue throughout the many more prosperous years to follow. I still don’t think an example today needs to shift my future course, however, an event to possibly reconsider the situation in terms of the impact rather than the attention. A conversation with my mum yesterday brought me to this position. For the first time, my mum provided details of her feelings during the three days after receiving the phone call when I informed them that I had a tumour. On a personal level, I was happy in revisiting some of the decisions made, including the avoidance of going to full details with my parents over the phone, namely in relation to the size of the tumour. One specific moment was the initial contact made when holding a conversation with my dad, and to note, I knew the tumour was approximately 15cm, and was thought to be Cancerous. Parts of the conversation entailed:
Dad: Well how big is it?
Me: Pretty big
Dad: A grape?
Me: Yeah about that, it’s pretty big
Now, some may argue honesty was needed, however, I completely disagree. The main points were conveyed, namely, I had a Cancer, and secondly, it was fairly large. In addition, plans were exchanged about my care and when results would be available. The interesting and upsetting information for me was what followed. Mum said that Dad went to the city the next day and cried the whole day, then the following day, both mum and dad followed the same route as the day previous, yet this time they were both crying. For me, that right there is evidence of the impact of Cancer!
I also feel a chain of events directly caused by that conversation unfolded throughout the weeks and months to follow. Similar to any grieving process, evident negative events seemed to surface, and in this instance, an increase in stress and worry compounded by the drinking of alcohol seemed to have featured within the family home. I am not at all meaning to highlight the negative points. Simply, describe some of secondary factors associated with Cancer. On a positive note, the support that continues to be accessible seems unmatched, and the very factors in life that are invaluable and forever remembered. It must be noted that the focus are all internal descriptions, and I wonder what factors will be remembered and live on for my parents. I imagine, our memories will greatly vary!