What am I seeking?

16th January 2015: Sydney

An overwhelming sense of searching for something has surfaced within my thinking. The answer of what I am actually seeking is unknown, a point obviously explicit in the previous statement. The root cause has been questioned, leading me to wonder what it is that seems to be biting at me, and whether the foundations for this chain of thoughts were created from my last entry.

I question the reasoning because in all areas of my life I am happy and it has been a while since experiencing any side effects from the Chemotherapy. So really, there should be no need for Athis thinking. Alternatively, it is the exact time for when my mind kicks into such a state of seeking something else! It has been almost two weeks with my girlfriend and we have been enjoying a fantastic time together, the sun is shining, there have been waves, time has been spent with family and friends, and I have been enjoying good health. Therefore, the points would suggest I would simply be content. Instead, circulating thoughts are experienced in regards to a seeking of something else. Interestingly, the thoughts coming to mind are better waves, warmer water and a calmer surrounding environment. The thoughts are typical of feeling not completely satisfied in a circumstance I have previously envisioned of being placed within? In summary, it seems comparisons are evident with the previous entry, however, I have doubts about whether an isolated hut is the solution or if there is a solution at all? If this is the case, then surely it is a personality trait, demonstrating the need to curtail and refine my thought process. I have my girlfriend here, it’s been amazing and we were chilling at the beach! So the question I pose entails a response about where the thirst for more derive from or better yet, how can these thoughts be abolished?

Time for a social/personal experiment..

14th January 2015: Sydney, Australia

The topic of isolation versus support could always raise interesting reactions regarding the feelings people have throughout varying periods within their lives. In keeping with the umbrella concept governing this series of entries, I suggest the topic is especially important for people who have experienced Cancer. I believe the importance stems from what I deem the secondary factors of Cancer. The factors representing the complete impact of Cancer, not only the illness, but more specifically attention on the consequences of the experience, factors such as ones future outlook, relationships, finance, employment, mental health, physical health, sexual activity, etc.

It seems I am regarding Cancer above other stressors or life events, however, should the matter of relativity not be raised as I think it is unfair to scale Cancer above mental health concerns, difficultly with child rearing, divorce or other stressors? If the previous statement does hold weight, then is not the whole first passage about secondary factors now invalid or would it be better to take a more wholesome approach to all matters, seeing the secondary factors attached to any concern an individual faces?

I have digressed from the main point of isolation versus support, and must say the thought of a quiet hut with limited people, good waves and real food seems so appealing, however, is not the support from family and friends plus my place of residence not the drawing card for me living here? I have mentioned many times the contradictions within my life, and the number of questions I have posed throughout this one entry would indicate a level of accuracy in that statement. The matter of isolation versus support derives from a wanting to have or to be somewhere else. If one option is not available, i.e. isolation then it becomes the point of interest, however, when reversed, does the longing for all the home comforts then not become the main point in the mind? Again I am left with a question needing an answer, and it seems the only way of resolving this theory is by actually testing it. Therefore, I have decided to await the outcomes of inquires in regards to my project, then I will opt to move for a short period of time to a small hut, with waves and real food to eat. It does seem rather naive and a little immature, and admittedly, it is the starting point of a plan that will surely expand as discussions needs to be made with my girlfriend for what the future holds.