5th January 2015: Sydney, Australia
I have been considering the concept of knowing versus not knowing. The reason behind writing about the topic stemmed from the completion of my scans last week, and usually I would have knowledge of my results. In this instance though, I remain bound within a state of officially not knowing. I use the term ‘officially’ due to the need for my doctor to confirm the person beliefs already felt about the expected results, i.e. being well. I know there is no evidence to support this, and am solely basing my belief from the array of signals sent from my body. For example, my capacity at both completing and recovering from exercise, levels of energy (with exception of fatigue from medication), body weight and overall feeling within my body. As noted, no evidence supports this belief, however, when comparing these factors to those present prior to my illness place me in a position of confidence. The main point is that although I am confident, I actually have no certainty in this belief. Ultimately, allowing a degree of fear to linger in my mind.
Alternatively, the idea can be switched to a position whereby a sense of fear is experienced resulting from the knowledge of recent shark sightings within the local area. A point of major significance due to my interests in surfing and ocean swimming. To note, I am not referring to a brief plunge in the ocean, rather a swim from one destination to the next, i.e. from a grouping of rocks to the beach or a harbour swim. In this case, I have the knowledge of sharks present, yet, I still choose to swim. Therefore, I am able to put aside the thoughts of recent sightings in an attempt to continue a regular pattern within my life. It must be mentioned that knowing sharks have been sighted definitely raises a fear before going for each swim, especially when compared to a carefree attitude held for the majority of my life when little to no shark alarms were heard.
I believe a pivotal point has been brought to surface, forming the basis for my opinion on the matter. Most notably, the fact both a position of not knowing and knowing can lead to fear, however, it has to remembered that if I had no knowledge of a possible reoccurrence, then no fearful thoughts would enter my thinking at all. Therefore, it seems only plausible to believe a position of knowing triumphs over a position of not knowing. If this is true, then I ponder on whether the research and information learned at the beginning of my Cancer experience were in fact beneficial for my future.