30th December 2014: Sydney
I am currently waiting for pictures taken from the MRI scan just completed, and passing aside the hunger due to fasting I am actually feeling fairly relaxed. Whilst lying in the tiny compounds, listening to a voice instructing me when to breathe, I noticed that the noises and discomfort associated with the scan do not lead to any irritation, rather the overall process is relaxing whereby my eyes close for approximately 45 minutes, completely focusing internally on my bodily functions. Also, the mechanisms of the process evoke my imagination to circulate images of Wolverine from X-Men whereby my body is in the process of rebuilding to a place previously unforeseen. Obviously, this view contrast popular opinion about the MRI symbolising a weakness or deficit, a typical correlation to such circumstances. It could easily be seen as a delusion, and it may well be justifiable to share this opinion, however, the importance of a source of inspiration, regardless of how believable it is, seems essential to the continual recreation of a positive narrative about my life and the direction I am heading.
The surrealism involved in using the unrealistic image of a character such as Wolverine may be an unconscious tactic used to handle the overall environment of this hospital. Numerous times I have noted the annoyance and frustration experienced with the hospital, more specifically the pharmacy department. The feelings stem from the incompetence and rudeness that seems to govern this particular section of the hospital. It is not uncommon to switch from a positive mindset into one filled with negativity and anger. At present the writing is a true portrayal of the transformation in my thinking. Initially, I was envisioning a Wolverine version of myself undergoing testing to determine strength and longevity, and now whilst sitting in an overcrowded room I am fantasying about my death. In addition, I am cooling down from a slight outburst at the repeated response when attempting to obtain my medication. I have encountered rudeness and total incompetence each time I have visited this section, and today after knowing my supplies had arrived I was again faced with the response “oh, I don’t think we have that”. My response, admittedly completely inappropriate was “fucking c#*ts”. As noted, I am aware this is completely unacceptable, and doesn’t make it any better that it wasn’t directed at him as people were waiting behind me. I could attempt to provide reasoning for the statement, however, I need to take responsibility for my actions, noting the unacceptability of my behaviour.
I also acknowledge further explanation is required on the previous statement made about the fantasy of death. Firstly, the reasoning for the phrase fantasy? A rather strange choice of words as it would imply a desire to achieve such an outcome, and the thoughts circulating throughout my mind would suggest my death was a desired outcome. Obviously, this is far from the case, and it’s just a very negative thought pattern allowed to spread like a fire blazing throughout bushland on a hot summer day, however, similar to a building wind engulfing the flames of a fire the whole environment was intensifying this chain of thought. It consisted of me being told the Cancer had reoccurred and my response was to not opt for surgery or further treatment and instead fight the growth via alternate methods, involving a bucket list type of possibilities that ultimately were not successful, and resulted in my death. All details were not mapped out, however, the concept of a funeral was. My idea was to hold a celebration, not advising people what is was about and putting on an excellent night for all. The result would be me delivering a speech to others about what I am grateful for, and my idea to search for alternative ways to treat my situation, hence, this opportunity may be the last time I see everyone in the room. It all sounds very dramatic writing about it now, and may not be the best way to proceed, however, it is a perfect example of a self-destructive chain of thoughts that could be the dominant pattern if a different mindset and narrative were not instilled in my thinking. Lastly, I wish to relive the feeling of being Wolverine, so some exercise will be completed immediately after leaving here to clear my mind whilst having the knowledge of being in the right frame of mind to equip myself for my future.