My personal remedy to overcome the flu while avoiding anti-biotics…

6th December 2014: Sydney

The very initial thought upon opening my eyes was the decision to cancel any prior arrangements. The same throat scratching at the back of my throat was sufficient information to know the battle had commenced. Sleep, rest and a healthy intake of nutrients were to be key. Thus, breakfast included berries, and varying seeds, i.e. Flax seeds and Chia seeds plus an Orange to boost my Vitamin C levels. A return to bed was made straight away. After another four hours sleep I woke up, heading to the beach for some sun and the attempt to cleanse my system in the salt water. I opted for a very spicy Thai vegetable and chicken stir fry for lunch before attempting some meditation. I say attempting as my mind felt so heavy, fleeting thoughts kept passing through my consciousness making it very difficult to arrive at a desired state. I decided to refer to my yoga book to undertaken a guided gentle routine, designed specifically to open my chest and sinuses. I then jumped in the bath before eating gourmet sausages with potatoe, kumura and carrot mash, with a side of raw kale and tomatoes.

I am now settling into a movie before having an early night, hoping that the sore throat passes when rising tomorrow. Finally, just to mention, I am aware ample other options could have been included into my day, however, for some reason, the tasks noted above were obviously the ones with most priority for me, and consequently hopefully result in an earlier return to normal health.

Can I find the secret to healing myself from the flu???

4th December 2014: Sydney

I had a feeling of coming down with an overwhelming feeling of fatigue, and now it appears with the feelings continuing that a flu is approaching. It seems strange to be coming down with a flu at this time of year, especially with the recent weather ravishing the city. Due to such feelings, heightened by an absolute loathing of the flu, I tried to shape my day in a way, enabling my body to recover in the fastest amount of time. Regardless of whether it is just today, continues tomorrow or even spans over a period of time, it will be useful to track my day in the attempt to discover a formula to assist my body recover in the future. Undoubtedly, there will never be any certainty to discover if any of the points help my body to heal, however, if successful, then it may be used as a guide to hopefully limit future periods when not feeling well.

Is equal attention placed on stress compared to other areas in my life?

2nd December 2014: Sydney

The first point registered when sitting down to write was a reflection about a comment from the last week regarding the tone of entries seemingly overly negative. I have to question what was previously stated, adding the negativity is likely to derive from the extra motivation to write when not feeling the best, partly due to the process of writing relieving some of those feelings. In addition, it allows me to pour out the thoughts associated with my experiences. Therefore, thinking that I am always negative may be a misrepresentation of how as a whole I am actually feeling. Furthermore, my decision to write must be considered as I wish to avoid feeling like a constant burden on others or worse, the stem of their pain.

A point I find interesting, coming from a position without any medical knowledge is how completing similar tasks throughout a day can lead me to polar opposite places. For instance, my nutrition, level of rest or movement hasn’t changed today, and I know there are various other factors to be considered, including the sunshine, the happiness in my relationship and the satisfaction felt in completing my project. In addition, the reality of just periodically feeling unwell must not be overlooked. Finally, the elimination of stress is a point widely seen in literature relating to the necessary points in overcoming Cancer. I do need to measure whether sufficient or equal attention is placed on this area compared with what I deem to be my other core principles (or petals in my framework).

Arrogance, the child of Cancer..

1st December 2014: Sydney

The past few days I have been thinking about two particular points. Namely, my personal narrative and a look to the year ahead. Firstly, focus will be on the narrative I seemed to have created for myself. I have frequently made reference to the underlying theme of negativity seeming to be the DNA of these entries, and it has made me consider whether the focus on negative aspects within my daily life has made me more inclined to draw on these times when talking to people about how I have been. Could the journal in itself act as mechanism for highlighting my down-days, resulting in the benefits being outweighed by the advantages found in writing about my feelings? It seems plausible to hypothesis that so much focus on the nausea experienced leads me to be more inclined on such times. Consequently, resulting on me not accurately reflecting how I am progressing whilst also overlooking all the positive aspects in my life. In saying that, maybe it just demonstrates the supposed research stating a criticism stays with us longer than a praise. It may seem another week is needed where only positive entires are made. Again though, is that then a contradiction to the nature of the journal whereby it is the created space to put my thoughts and feelings into a safe place?

The second point is the imminence of 2015 commencing and the meaning this has for me. In some ways, I have able to achieve my health and financial goals for the year. In addition, I was able to remain focused on maintaining several points established throughout the year to help with my recovery, i.e. lifestyle options, nutrition and the writing of the journal/project. Now the new year is approaching makes me feel the necessity of ensuring my initial goal of total self-improvement continue. In the beginning of this phase of my life, I was determined to start back at work in May, however, the unexpected and completely outrageous withdrawal of my job made this decision delayed till July (I received an email whilst in hospital from the director after no communication had been made to comment on my condition). Next it was be in some form of work again in Australia by October, then December, and now honestly my only motivation is focused on the project and another idea planned. The question then becomes when will I be ready for full-time employment, and how can I retain the ambition that was so evident prior to my diagnosis?

I have a month to consider my options and definitely goals are essential because there is no chance I am going to stagnate in my life. The arrogance in the following statement may be criticised, however, I do have a belief in self-improvement and it is something I wish to continually strive towards. Broadly speaking, I want to excel, grow and have no conscience about any of my decisions, actions or behaviours made. I recognise the need to break down these broad statements and create avenues to bring my dreams to fruition. I guess, one important piece was the emphasis on advancement rather than just focusing on life and living. Again, could easily set myself for criticism as it seems such a juxtaposition to state an appreciation for life yet not be satisfied with simply living?

Rest and Motivation…. How do both relate??????

29th November 2014: Sydney, Australia

The decision to rest yesterday has proved beneficial with all pain associated with my chest region passing, consequently, leading to a complete reduction in worry and concern. The decision to rest is not always easy as I’m continually focusing on improving my strength and willpower. I must note, my acknowledgment of both factors not being specific to physical capabilities, however, the lasting effect of the surgery has placed me into a position whereby I wish to surpass all previous levels of health and well-being, inclusive of my physical strength. The tracking of all my daily movement is greatly supporting my ability to schedule rest into the week, and I feel the shoulder injury sustained prior to leaving London definitely acts as a reinforcement to ensure rest features within my week.  Therefore, it would be extremely naive to overlook the frequency of days within the week when I fail to rest.

The feelings today were enhanced by other positive news in regards to the Sunflower Framework. There is no certainty of the framework progressing from an ongoing piece of work stored in my inbox, however, both a representative from Sydney University and Chris O’Reily’s Lifehouse have contacted me with out the outlook of further discussing the idea. It is rather encouraging, especially when recently my focus surrounded all the barriers involved in making the idea a reality. I am hopeful there will be some momentum over the coming weeks/months, but, am very realistic about the challenges ahead and the difficult to be faced. The contact with both parties has provided the necessary motivation to continue working towards producing a finalised quality product. I could simply say it will just be a case of wait and see, however, that would already in some way symbolise a mediocre outlook to the whole project, and an acceptance of the project not progressing at all. In summary, it leads me back to the need of being focused whilst eliciting a sense of accountability. The project will not advance without my drive, hardwork, and importantly the essential support from my close friends and family. I also need to recognise the input of Dr Lawrence Tahm and Marcus Pearce from a podcast called ‘The Champions Mind’ in really helping my mind-state get in a position required to write this journal, work on the project and take the steps necessary towards making the idea into a success.

Talking about Cancer….

28th November 2014: Sydney, Australia

I went bed nauseous last night and this morning have woken up with a slight pain in the right hand chest/ribcage of body. Instantly, thoughts of worry, quickly associated with memories of past experiences come to mind. If allowed, I am sure my mind could shift into overdrive, creating destructive future scenarios about my death. Yes, massively negative, and a reason for not allowing it to manifest. The problem I seem to encounter is questions about whether the pain results from the yoga completed yesterday, my positioning throughout sleep or if it something more worrying. The conundrum now placed in is what do I do with these thoughts? Do I share with my family, girlfriend or mates, only to raise unnecessary alarm should it just be muscular pain or just contact my doctor about the situation? Well, I know I am seeing him next week, and the most probable outcome will be an agreement for it to be checked next week. Mind you, no MRI is being completed as I would have liked, bearing in mind the recommendations for scans to be completed every three months. Hopefully, one is scheduled for January, this will be a point I stress. I thought this morning about whether I will have these concerns for the remainder of my life, a life I am hoping and working towards being both long and fruitful.

Positive vs Negative

27th November 2014: Sydney, Australia

If talking truly about my attitude and outlook, I would say I am positive, however, the journal may not be a true reflection of this as often it seems I am negative in my thinking. I believe the fragility existing in my life what shines through in my writing. If true, I wonder if this then correlates with my communication with those close to me?

Why did I think I was born in Krypton?????

26th November 2014: Sydney, Australia

I went to bed feeling nauseous, and eventually reflected on past feelings, particularly a moment leading up to being placed on Chemotherapy. I recall progress in terms of my physical recovery from the operation was being incorporated into my daily life and I was starting to feel relatively normal again. It was always known that the date for commencing my mediation was approaching. Prior conversations with my doctor had established a timetable for a starting date, before the dosage levels would increase. At the time, I was rather naive, wishing to skip the gradual increments and take on a full dose from the very beginning. The mindset seems to link back to the former self-belief built upon a story of enduring hardship/pain. Since then, this system of belief has been challenged, evolving into a narrative based upon love, an appreciation for life, strength and progress. Overall, it appears interesting to consider my feelings of indestructibility, compared to how fragile now can be.

Do these things keep me alive?????

My moods can be tidal whereby I wake up with a feeling of uncertainty about when the tide will turn, sliding me back to normality

25th November 2014: Sydney, Australia

Two close friends have seen separate entires since starting to write approximately three months ago. One such friend has repeatedly expressed his curiosity about the reason for not revisiting the past entries written. I know the curiosity is coming from a good place, possibly attempting to challenge me in a way that will lead to growth, however, I remain reluctant to act upon this indirect and subtle challenge. The very reasoning behind my actions would be the stark reality of how often the entries are saturated in negativity, and from the opening passage, one can imagine the theme to follow. If this hypothesis is correct, I wonder what impact it will have by being reminded of how often I can actually be down about my circumstances? Undoubtedly, to be in some ways classified as ‘suffering’ would be expected right? Or is my vision and experiences completely different to others? Do people truly live the life I attempt to act in front of others, taking the experience as a positive, without having down days? I am not indicating I deliberately pretend to act a certain way in front of others, more I choose my moments when I will spend time others, i.e, when feeling good. At other times, I will isolate myself, in both a physical and digital sense, i.e. limited contact with friends on phone and social media sites.

Maybe I am being too critical of myself, and the very nature of the journal is to write about all the range of factors causing me to be in such a negative mind-state? Actually a more accurate account would be to not make reference to a hypothetical array of factors, it simply comes down to a feeling of sickness that overtakes me, sending me spiralling into a gloomy mood. A mood with a tidal motion, gently sneaking upon me as the day passes, and on some days, I wake up with the feelings of uncertainty about when the tide will turn, sliding me back to normality. Surprisingly, the very process of writing, even though it may seem there isn’t a great deal of information contained within these passages, still seems to be able alleviate some of the feelings experienced only 40 minutes before writing? It feels so strange, it is like I need to pour out all this internal garbage into a space where no response is received before I am even able to smile. Over the course of writing the music will shift, the headache seems to fade away and my thoughts redirect from a blurred existence of time watching to constructively thinking about what awaits in the day ahead. It is actually ridiculous how significant the shift is!