13th December 2014: Sydney, Australia
I am drawing similarities between my life and driving a car. The example coming to mind is when you are driving endlessly when a growing excitement is felt at the realisation that the turnoff to a destination becomes visible only be struck by road works causing a temporary road closure. As the passage attempts to suggest, improvements in my life were appearing to come to fruition. Instead, I felt worse than before with a severe bout of nausea combined with cold/flu symptoms relentlessly smashing me into a horizontal for most of the day. To say a smile was at all shown throughout the day would be lying. It seems I am only finding humour now in the absurdity of my thinking.
Then, I think about the prospect of a good night sleep after three hours rest already had during the day. What a happy place I seem to be in…
12th December 2014: Sydney, Australia
I am fairly settled at home, albeit there is no job featuring in my life, however, I have been here long enough now for a sense of normality to have kicked in. The stark reality is that the normality I was so accustomed to is no longer in existence. It is of course an inevitable part of life, with people evolving and growing with their individual journeys. It is a rather blatant statement to make but the adjustment phase, if it can be labelled as such would have been a smoother process without the lifestyle changes I have made, namely, the virtual ceasing of drinking alcohol. Consequently, options to socialise during the night have become limited, especially when bearing in mind the non-committal stance shown in regards to social occasions resulting from my side-effects and to some degree the lingering psychological effects of my whole situation. I am not being down on myself, however, the reality of the situation is that the expectations of my friends would be fairly well established prior to spending a night with me. In addition, the age and life decisions usually being made by someone of my age, relates to planning with a partner, a point outlining what I deem the secondary effects of experiencing Cancer and having such uncertainty in my life. It is now nearing the end of the year, and I have absolutely no idea what next year holds for me. The situation can definitely be framed in two positions. Firstly, a sense of worry regrading relationships and future employment or a positive reframe to look at the year full of opportunities previously not within my outlook at the time. Interestingly, no mention of my health came to my mind, again, it was the secondary factors associated with such a circumstance taking priority, and I feel this point is pivotal to other people developing an understanding of the experience of Cancer. I feel it could be a case of, “well your health is all clear at the moment so everything is fine”. To some degree, that in fact is the case as the secondary factors wouldn’t be mentioned should my health deteriorate, however, am I just going to stagnate at 30 years old, being content with reduced social, employment and monetary aspects in my life? Of course not. I don’t think there is any easy solution. Rather, I feel it is going to be adjusting in all areas of my life, and when having this mindset there is little separation from me to many others with or without health concerns.