Like Gollum I am drawn to something…

9th December 2014: Sydney, Australia

I will persist with this theme till I rid my body of this cold/flu. An emergence of a deflated mood and associated thoughts has surfaced. Perspective is most definitely needed on my circumstances, and I refuse to spiral down the depths of my thought process for such normal occurrences. Instead, the matter was just needing to be mentioned, adding my clear intentions to move on. The question posed though is how do I just describe my feelings and move on? Instantly, I seem drawn to negative aspects that seems apparent within my thinking, similar to the insatiable desire Gollum has to once again obtain the ring. My limited knowledge of The Lord of the Rings needs to be raised, and admittedly the comparison may not have truly represented the lack of motivation and negative overall outlook on life seemingly evident within my thinking. The incapacity to exercise, complete yoga or surf appears to be an antecedent to a certain chain of thoughts, however, interestingly, the process of writing, albeit brief has already relived some of the destructive patterns circulating throughout my mind.

The relevance of exercise in my life most definitely stems from the narrative created about the need to progress and evolve in every-way possible. Again, focus is on the physical aspects of my life, yet, it stretches far wider. For example, the lack of motivation to either write a journal entry or commence preparation for the imminent meeting at Sydney University for my group proposal shows I am not completely dedicated to progressing in all areas of my life. In addition, if we were to look at my social connections you would see a detachment from those around me, and finally, the renewed focus on meditation has again limited with it difficult to obtain a state within my body and mind allowing me to direct attention. I feel a counter argument is to follow, and in essence the basis of the argument relates to how a cold/flu effects other people. It would not be inaccurate to suggest similar changes would be noticed when others are not feeling the best. Although, I recognise this, I am still unable to separate myself from the need and importance I place on trying to excel in my life. Whether this is actually being implemented or not is obviously debatable, and external feedback would only be the real way of quantifying this neurotic and maybe delusion view on my life. I wonder what degree of neuroticism would actually exist in my life if I did seek this external feedback.

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