Arrogance, the child of Cancer..

1st December 2014: Sydney

The past few days I have been thinking about two particular points. Namely, my personal narrative and a look to the year ahead. Firstly, focus will be on the narrative I seemed to have created for myself. I have frequently made reference to the underlying theme of negativity seeming to be the DNA of these entries, and it has made me consider whether the focus on negative aspects within my daily life has made me more inclined to draw on these times when talking to people about how I have been. Could the journal in itself act as mechanism for highlighting my down-days, resulting in the benefits being outweighed by the advantages found in writing about my feelings? It seems plausible to hypothesis that so much focus on the nausea experienced leads me to be more inclined on such times. Consequently, resulting on me not accurately reflecting how I am progressing whilst also overlooking all the positive aspects in my life. In saying that, maybe it just demonstrates the supposed research stating a criticism stays with us longer than a praise. It may seem another week is needed where only positive entires are made. Again though, is that then a contradiction to the nature of the journal whereby it is the created space to put my thoughts and feelings into a safe place?

The second point is the imminence of 2015 commencing and the meaning this has for me. In some ways, I have able to achieve my health and financial goals for the year. In addition, I was able to remain focused on maintaining several points established throughout the year to help with my recovery, i.e. lifestyle options, nutrition and the writing of the journal/project. Now the new year is approaching makes me feel the necessity of ensuring my initial goal of total self-improvement continue. In the beginning of this phase of my life, I was determined to start back at work in May, however, the unexpected and completely outrageous withdrawal of my job made this decision delayed till July (I received an email whilst in hospital from the director after no communication had been made to comment on my condition). Next it was be in some form of work again in Australia by October, then December, and now honestly my only motivation is focused on the project and another idea planned. The question then becomes when will I be ready for full-time employment, and how can I retain the ambition that was so evident prior to my diagnosis?

I have a month to consider my options and definitely goals are essential because there is no chance I am going to stagnate in my life. The arrogance in the following statement may be criticised, however, I do have a belief in self-improvement and it is something I wish to continually strive towards. Broadly speaking, I want to excel, grow and have no conscience about any of my decisions, actions or behaviours made. I recognise the need to break down these broad statements and create avenues to bring my dreams to fruition. I guess, one important piece was the emphasis on advancement rather than just focusing on life and living. Again, could easily set myself for criticism as it seems such a juxtaposition to state an appreciation for life yet not be satisfied with simply living?

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