2nd December 2014: Sydney
The first point registered when sitting down to write was a reflection about a comment from the last week regarding the tone of entries seemingly overly negative. I have to question what was previously stated, adding the negativity is likely to derive from the extra motivation to write when not feeling the best, partly due to the process of writing relieving some of those feelings. In addition, it allows me to pour out the thoughts associated with my experiences. Therefore, thinking that I am always negative may be a misrepresentation of how as a whole I am actually feeling. Furthermore, my decision to write must be considered as I wish to avoid feeling like a constant burden on others or worse, the stem of their pain.
A point I find interesting, coming from a position without any medical knowledge is how completing similar tasks throughout a day can lead me to polar opposite places. For instance, my nutrition, level of rest or movement hasn’t changed today, and I know there are various other factors to be considered, including the sunshine, the happiness in my relationship and the satisfaction felt in completing my project. In addition, the reality of just periodically feeling unwell must not be overlooked. Finally, the elimination of stress is a point widely seen in literature relating to the necessary points in overcoming Cancer. I do need to measure whether sufficient or equal attention is placed on this area compared with what I deem to be my other core principles (or petals in my framework).
1st December 2014: Sydney
The past few days I have been thinking about two particular points. Namely, my personal narrative and a look to the year ahead. Firstly, focus will be on the narrative I seemed to have created for myself. I have frequently made reference to the underlying theme of negativity seeming to be the DNA of these entries, and it has made me consider whether the focus on negative aspects within my daily life has made me more inclined to draw on these times when talking to people about how I have been. Could the journal in itself act as mechanism for highlighting my down-days, resulting in the benefits being outweighed by the advantages found in writing about my feelings? It seems plausible to hypothesis that so much focus on the nausea experienced leads me to be more inclined on such times. Consequently, resulting on me not accurately reflecting how I am progressing whilst also overlooking all the positive aspects in my life. In saying that, maybe it just demonstrates the supposed research stating a criticism stays with us longer than a praise. It may seem another week is needed where only positive entires are made. Again though, is that then a contradiction to the nature of the journal whereby it is the created space to put my thoughts and feelings into a safe place?
The second point is the imminence of 2015 commencing and the meaning this has for me. In some ways, I have able to achieve my health and financial goals for the year. In addition, I was able to remain focused on maintaining several points established throughout the year to help with my recovery, i.e. lifestyle options, nutrition and the writing of the journal/project. Now the new year is approaching makes me feel the necessity of ensuring my initial goal of total self-improvement continue. In the beginning of this phase of my life, I was determined to start back at work in May, however, the unexpected and completely outrageous withdrawal of my job made this decision delayed till July (I received an email whilst in hospital from the director after no communication had been made to comment on my condition). Next it was be in some form of work again in Australia by October, then December, and now honestly my only motivation is focused on the project and another idea planned. The question then becomes when will I be ready for full-time employment, and how can I retain the ambition that was so evident prior to my diagnosis?
I have a month to consider my options and definitely goals are essential because there is no chance I am going to stagnate in my life. The arrogance in the following statement may be criticised, however, I do have a belief in self-improvement and it is something I wish to continually strive towards. Broadly speaking, I want to excel, grow and have no conscience about any of my decisions, actions or behaviours made. I recognise the need to break down these broad statements and create avenues to bring my dreams to fruition. I guess, one important piece was the emphasis on advancement rather than just focusing on life and living. Again, could easily set myself for criticism as it seems such a juxtaposition to state an appreciation for life yet not be satisfied with simply living?
29th November 2014: Sydney, Australia
The decision to rest yesterday has proved beneficial with all pain associated with my chest region passing, consequently, leading to a complete reduction in worry and concern. The decision to rest is not always easy as I’m continually focusing on improving my strength and willpower. I must note, my acknowledgment of both factors not being specific to physical capabilities, however, the lasting effect of the surgery has placed me into a position whereby I wish to surpass all previous levels of health and well-being, inclusive of my physical strength. The tracking of all my daily movement is greatly supporting my ability to schedule rest into the week, and I feel the shoulder injury sustained prior to leaving London definitely acts as a reinforcement to ensure rest features within my week. Therefore, it would be extremely naive to overlook the frequency of days within the week when I fail to rest.
The feelings today were enhanced by other positive news in regards to the Sunflower Framework. There is no certainty of the framework progressing from an ongoing piece of work stored in my inbox, however, both a representative from Sydney University and Chris O’Reily’s Lifehouse have contacted me with out the outlook of further discussing the idea. It is rather encouraging, especially when recently my focus surrounded all the barriers involved in making the idea a reality. I am hopeful there will be some momentum over the coming weeks/months, but, am very realistic about the challenges ahead and the difficult to be faced. The contact with both parties has provided the necessary motivation to continue working towards producing a finalised quality product. I could simply say it will just be a case of wait and see, however, that would already in some way symbolise a mediocre outlook to the whole project, and an acceptance of the project not progressing at all. In summary, it leads me back to the need of being focused whilst eliciting a sense of accountability. The project will not advance without my drive, hardwork, and importantly the essential support from my close friends and family. I also need to recognise the input of Dr Lawrence Tahm and Marcus Pearce from a podcast called ‘The Champions Mind’ in really helping my mind-state get in a position required to write this journal, work on the project and take the steps necessary towards making the idea into a success.