28th November 2014: Sydney, Australia
I went bed nauseous last night and this morning have woken up with a slight pain in the right hand chest/ribcage of body. Instantly, thoughts of worry, quickly associated with memories of past experiences come to mind. If allowed, I am sure my mind could shift into overdrive, creating destructive future scenarios about my death. Yes, massively negative, and a reason for not allowing it to manifest. The problem I seem to encounter is questions about whether the pain results from the yoga completed yesterday, my positioning throughout sleep or if it something more worrying. The conundrum now placed in is what do I do with these thoughts? Do I share with my family, girlfriend or mates, only to raise unnecessary alarm should it just be muscular pain or just contact my doctor about the situation? Well, I know I am seeing him next week, and the most probable outcome will be an agreement for it to be checked next week. Mind you, no MRI is being completed as I would have liked, bearing in mind the recommendations for scans to be completed every three months. Hopefully, one is scheduled for January, this will be a point I stress. I thought this morning about whether I will have these concerns for the remainder of my life, a life I am hoping and working towards being both long and fruitful.
27th November 2014: Sydney, Australia
If talking truly about my attitude and outlook, I would say I am positive, however, the journal may not be a true reflection of this as often it seems I am negative in my thinking. I believe the fragility existing in my life what shines through in my writing. If true, I wonder if this then correlates with my communication with those close to me?
26th November 2014: Sydney, Australia
I went to bed feeling nauseous, and eventually reflected on past feelings, particularly a moment leading up to being placed on Chemotherapy. I recall progress in terms of my physical recovery from the operation was being incorporated into my daily life and I was starting to feel relatively normal again. It was always known that the date for commencing my mediation was approaching. Prior conversations with my doctor had established a timetable for a starting date, before the dosage levels would increase. At the time, I was rather naive, wishing to skip the gradual increments and take on a full dose from the very beginning. The mindset seems to link back to the former self-belief built upon a story of enduring hardship/pain. Since then, this system of belief has been challenged, evolving into a narrative based upon love, an appreciation for life, strength and progress. Overall, it appears interesting to consider my feelings of indestructibility, compared to how fragile now can be.