25th November 2014: Sydney, Australia
Two close friends have seen separate entires since starting to write approximately three months ago. One such friend has repeatedly expressed his curiosity about the reason for not revisiting the past entries written. I know the curiosity is coming from a good place, possibly attempting to challenge me in a way that will lead to growth, however, I remain reluctant to act upon this indirect and subtle challenge. The very reasoning behind my actions would be the stark reality of how often the entries are saturated in negativity, and from the opening passage, one can imagine the theme to follow. If this hypothesis is correct, I wonder what impact it will have by being reminded of how often I can actually be down about my circumstances? Undoubtedly, to be in some ways classified as ‘suffering’ would be expected right? Or is my vision and experiences completely different to others? Do people truly live the life I attempt to act in front of others, taking the experience as a positive, without having down days? I am not indicating I deliberately pretend to act a certain way in front of others, more I choose my moments when I will spend time others, i.e, when feeling good. At other times, I will isolate myself, in both a physical and digital sense, i.e. limited contact with friends on phone and social media sites.
Maybe I am being too critical of myself, and the very nature of the journal is to write about all the range of factors causing me to be in such a negative mind-state? Actually a more accurate account would be to not make reference to a hypothetical array of factors, it simply comes down to a feeling of sickness that overtakes me, sending me spiralling into a gloomy mood. A mood with a tidal motion, gently sneaking upon me as the day passes, and on some days, I wake up with the feelings of uncertainty about when the tide will turn, sliding me back to normality. Surprisingly, the very process of writing, even though it may seem there isn’t a great deal of information contained within these passages, still seems to be able alleviate some of the feelings experienced only 40 minutes before writing? It feels so strange, it is like I need to pour out all this internal garbage into a space where no response is received before I am even able to smile. Over the course of writing the music will shift, the headache seems to fade away and my thoughts redirect from a blurred existence of time watching to constructively thinking about what awaits in the day ahead. It is actually ridiculous how significant the shift is!
23rd November 2014: Sydney, Australia
It is intriguing how the natural occurrences within daily life can appear to truly reflect one’s state of being. I am curious as to whether this relates to being more open and aware of the natural phenomena surrounding you when sent into a subdued mindset by the challenges faced at that moment in life? The sequence of events to be explained followed another argument with my girlfriend. In brief, the argument started as an extremely minor exchange before quickly escalating into a phone conversation where I was swearing, had a raised voice and hung up the phone, A rather embarrassing situation to reflect upon, and possibly helpful to amend future behaviours. Easily, ownership of the argument could be externalised by making reference to the possible changes in my mood and behaviours resulting from the significant shifts over the past year. I think such a stance could draw on the profound impact of the social, emotional and biological factors evolving around me. Take for example, the brakes that have been applied in my life in regards to future career opportunities, the joy I see in many of my friends in forming life partners with someone else or the internal changes resulting from my medication. I am in no way bitter about any of the points, however, the examples could be used as possible reasons to explain a persons behaviours and actions. As noted, no reasons or in this cases excuses will be applied. Rather, complete ownership of the argument needs to be taken on board. Furthermore, if the argument did not occur would all the signs have come to my attention today?
The events mentioned were located within a Chinese restaurant of all places, and I imagine a certain mood had been detected by my family during the meal. Typical for a Chinese restaurant, the fortune cookies arrived. All versions were shared, with mine stating that happiness was found when two minds connect. Just what I needed to hear! As if thoughts about my relationship hadn’t been running through my mind already. I felt absolutely shattered upon returning returning home and feel asleep for a few hours. My mind was needing to be cleared so I went for a surf. It was very small with not many options available, however, it was just what I desired. There was no one else in the water, simply allowing my mind the time and freedom to wonder whilst also hoping to catch a few small waves for fun. I was aware of the light dimming due to the time of day and the looming clouds appearing to pour open at any moment, then my gaze drifted out to the horizon with two seagulls immediately coming into focus. I noticed the two of them playfully swooping together. I thought ‘wow, even the pests of the sky can maintain a relationship’.
So, the looming clouds were quickly covering the skyline, and I was wishing for the clouds to pour rain all over me. It was almost like a feeling of the clouds shedding the tears for me. I was wanting to embrace the rain, with my arms completely spread open, enabling me to fully accept the tears. It wasn’t to be, and in some way, the wish for rain would not have been consistent with the theme of day. Instead, I came to realise the symbolism of the clouds appearing in the sky was to bring out my feelings whilst not allowing an easy option of allowing my tears to fall from someone other than me. The question I am pondering is whether I would I have smiled or cried if the clouds opened up? They still hover over the skyline, mirroring my dour facial expressions and body language.