Destructive thoughts

15th September 2014: London, United Kingdom

I am mindful of a negative theme seemingly to have emerged within past writings, and I believe it resulted from allowing myself to entertain destructive and negative thoughts. Today, it appears another gloomy entry will follow, and I was aware of this upon leaving work at approximately 11:30am, exhausted, feeling low with an overwhelming longing to be at home. It’s interesting to reflect on my thinking as a 30 year old male, and wanting to be at home, as if my home is safe haven where everything will be ok. The picture contradicts an example of the positive mind-set I have been writing about. Instead, it clearly demonstrates the fragility and vulnerability that can be endured when experiencing hardship or any kind. A snowball effect accumulating over the past few days seems to have placed me in a position whereby I needed to detach from everything and solely focus on completing some meditation to stop the negative thoughts that were circulating throughout my mind. After a period of meditating for forty minutes, there was still some cunning and determined thoughts fighting to stay present within my thought process. When entertained or allowed to continue, the thoughts have mastered a skill to influence me into a state of negativity. To expand on the negativity experienced, I am referring to the very thought process that I fiercely oppose in previous entries. I rarely allow these thoughts to remain within my mental sphere as they are a direct contradiction to my strategy about my future life and well-being, and it seems they could easily have the potential to be a poisonous weed that claims victory over a hopeful promising flourishing garden.

I realise the actual account of my thoughts is yet to be shared. I feel it’s due to a possible reluctance at essentially writing about the depths of the negative thoughts, compounded by the awareness of for the very first time exposing the thoughts from my mind into another domain. Is this a result of my concern at someone close to me gaining access to these thoughts then worrying whether I will harm my-self or is it just simply a masculine way of tussling with internal thoughts and feelings? I think it’s more just the reality of me having ownership of these thoughts as I have become fairly adept at blocking these thoughts. Such a preamble has been provided on this topic, and in summary, the thoughts I am describing relate to my death and the look on my mother’s face if she was there at my funeral. Not at all healthy thoughts!

Whilst writing, I am not deterred from my created future vision. It just reinforces the need to continue writing this journal as a means of tracking my thoughts in an attempt to detect a pattern whereby I can intervene at an earlier stage to prevent a downward spiral.

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