27th August 2014: London, United Kingdom
The date of the entry is fairy self-explanatory, marking today as the starting point for sharing the thoughts and feelings collected over the past eight months. My reason bending sharing these entries mirror the feelings for embarking on a mission to track the experiences of haing Cancer (a point to be later revealed). With that short introduction finished, the below content and future entries all follow a chronoligical order recorded on the date provided at the beginning of each entry.
Prior to commencing a number of points need to be established. Firstly. I’m not going to have rules governing the entries in this process, i.e. everyday an entry needs to be made, the content needs to relate to my situation or a sequential pattern needs to be followed. A prime example of not adhering to a sequential order will be demonstrted by not following immediately with a second or third point, and instead look more closely at indirect reference made above. ‘My situation’ is otherwise known as the Cancer that was inside my body at the start of the year. By not labelling it as Cancer questions whether I have accepted the reality of the situation or if the terminology is used as a strategy to undermine it’s influence whilst enhancing my own control. From this very initial paragraph it is evident that this and many other topics require continuous revisiting and also establishes a theme about the somewhat subtle and more direct attempts I make at finding a stratergy to manage my health and overall life.
Second point, and being brutally honest is about the audience and purpose of these entries. Yes, the use of ‘these entries’ indicates a commitment to continuing this process, which then leads me to wonder whether my ego is largely at play here, screaming “it’s showtime, lets put this together to write a book or use a guide when running the groups that I have envisioned”. The group is a seperate idea whereby focusing on supporting individuals with Cancer and ideas for how individuals & carers both understand, process and prepare for their upcoming or present situations arising from their Cancer diagnosis. I am fully aware that the idea requires timescales and deadlines to actually see the idea become a reality. Otherwise, it will is just be like the market stall in London, the creation of an app or numerous other ideas that have gained my full attention than faded quickly into a past of thinking ‘what if’.
So back to the journal, the purpose/audience and the need for honesty. I would like to think that it may be useful to collect some of my thoughts and then someday, who knows, why not dream big and think that groups will be running and a selfhelp book can be published. Already, a degree of fear is noticed whilst writing this first entry. Consciously I will write, ‘how I will use the material’ opposed to ‘how the material will be used’. I feel this terminology places me in a position that creates a future for me, a future of life and to hijack words by others, a future of survival. All sounding very dramatic, however, it is the features of my stratergy to work towards achieving long-term health and well-being. Furthermore, in a more pragmatic view, it can be used to track my thoughts, reactions, celebrations and challenges to equip me for future scenarios.
Third point, the timing of the journal. Why didn’t I start writing once ‘my situaiton’ started? Well, it seems rather simple, and is clearly demonstrated by two key words, motivation and meaning! Many direct/subtle remarks about writing a journal were made from the very beginning. Plus, the message was reinforced in a book read from Dr Ian Gawler (how to cure cancer), however, there was a lack of any motivation in undertaking the activity. Furthermore, it had no meaning in my life. Interestingly, I have tracked the physical exercises completed, symptoms and my eating/drinking habits prior to the escalation of hearing the news that I had Caner, yet, I didn’t have the need or could not find purpose in writing a journal. The logical question surely then must be, why now? I think as noted before, it is whether I use this for personal reflection to track how I was thinking and what I have applied throughout the process or if this in someway takes shape to help others. Already, a sense is felt whereby both examples outline the main obstacle requiring attention. The obstacle is whether I am going to survive. The response must entail a level of normality in these thoughts, however, recognising that I cannot entertain them. Instead, I need to create, dream and focus on that loving, happy, wholesome and healthy life awaiting me.
A shift off topic occurred again. Maybe the prior passage speaks for itself, i.e. that my motivation wasn’t focused on writing a journal. Rather, my belief and energy was directed completely to getting through it all. The reason for writing now, well, is it optimistic to think further entries will follow symbolising a future and the realisation of my dreams. Also, the thought came to me and like many aspects of our lives, there needs to be a number of elements in place to the formation of a tangible item, whatever that may be. So why now, eight months after surgery did I start writing? It followed a discussion with a manager at work. Before we got onto the speaking about cases, we were having one of those engaging conversaitons where you can bounce all the accummulated informaition onto someone and also listen to what they are saying. Mind you, he has also had a close personal encounter with Cancer. Therefore, a degree of comfort is found, and he simply asked whether I am writing any or all of this down, to which I replied no. When leaving, the thought came to my mind and seemed like a completely necessary task to start working on.